NAACP, SLPD Open Joint Civil Rights Investigation

29 08 2009

ST. LOUIS, Mo. (FNN) — The St. Louis Branch of the National Association for the Advancement of What Used to Be an Acceptable Term for Black People 40 Years Ago and the St. Louis City Police Department have joined forces to carry out an investigation to see if certain activities in the City of St. Louis violate Federal or State civil rights laws.

In a joint press conference the Eat-Rite Choke & Puke on the corner of Chouteau Ave. and 7th St., SLPD Chief Dan Isotope and St. Louis NAACP President Ben Dover said that murders in the city disproportionately affected one subset of people.

“Almost all the murder victims in St. Louis for the past three years have been either one of two things — An aspiring rapper, or an asipiring pro athlete.  If it were only half the murder victims, then we would not be suspicious, the usual mehe of an urban area.  However, the trend of holes being made into asipiring rappers and pro athletes is noxiously suspicious,” Dover said.

Chief Isotope reiterated statistics gathered by researchers at Saltandpepperdine University in East St. Louis, Ill., that show that while 80% of St. Louis City’s black teenagers and adults between the ages of 14 and 24 are aspiring rappers and pro athletes, they comprise 97% of the city’s murder victims since the beginning of 2007.  The Chief also added that hardly anybody that is actually of a profession is murdered in St. Louis, only those aspiring to do something.  “Why must my city’s criminals only kill people who are thinking about doing something rather than actually doing something?”

Dover ended the press conference with remedies that the NAACP will seek.  Among them are that the U.S. Justice Department force aspiring nuclear physicists, aspiring gay porn actors, hip-hop artist Lil’ Eazy E and perpetual NFL malcontent Jeremy Shockey to loiter around the corner of 20th and Penrose in north St. Louis City after dark, holding rolls of $100 bills out on the open and wearing multiple gold chains around their necks, until they are murdered.

“That would increase the self-esteems of aspiring rappers and athletes in St. Louis, to know that they’re not the only ones that get smoked around here,” said Dover.

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