1. We believe that Wall Street needs stronger rules and tougher enforcement, so that’s why I’m going to have Goldman Sachs fund my Presidential campaign.
2. We believe in science, which means we must believe that human evolution totally stopped in regards to brain development 200,000 years ago.
3. We believe that the Internet shouldn’t be rigged to benefit big corporations, instead it should be rigged to benefit never-do-evil paragons of virtue like Google.
4. We believe that no one should work full-time and still live in poverty, and that means opening the borders.
5. We believe that fast-food workers deserve a livable wage, and that means that when they take to the picket line, we are proud to fight alongside them right up to the point when their work is replaced by robots.
6. We believe that students are entitled to get an education without being crushed by debt, and that’s why I’ll always be committed to the set of Democrat Party policies that allow colleges and universities to raise college costs year in and year out.
7. We believe that after a lifetime of work, people are entitled to retire with dignity, and that means letting all the world’s grifters in to collect SSI.
8. We believe—I can’t believe I have to say this in 2014—we believe in equal pay for equal work, and it’s a good thing too, because we won that battle decades ago.
9. We believe that equal means equal; everybody except for me will be equally impoverished and miserable, and as men and women of science, we have faith in equality.
10. We believe that immigration has made this country strong and vibrant, and that means letting the whole world flood in, because slave wages and tuberculosis and Ebola outbreaks and the demographics of an international airport and bowling alone…and all that jazz.
11. And we believe that corporations are not people, that women have a right to their bodies. I will fight with every last drop of your blood to make Hobby Lobby pay for your abortifacient drugs!
And the main tenet of conservatives’ philosophy? “I got mine. The rest of you are on your own.” Oops, my bad, that’s more like my philosophy, I got mine, the rest of you don’t have a way to pass yourselves off as part Indian.
A bonus 12th commandment:
“In my quest to end corporate welfare, I am proud to announce today that I support the Export-Import Bank.”