Fun With the Funny Names of Missouri Towns

V-Dare:  Ted Kennedy Awarded The Order Of The Aztec Eagle For Services To His Country…Sorry, That’s Services To Someone Else’s Country

Let him go to Mexico for his brain cancer treatment.

V-Dare:  Newspaper Sentence Of The Day:”Increasing The Number Of Black Male Librarians Has Become A Hot Topic.”

Onion Horton, black local talk radio host in St. Louis:  “If you want to hide something from the black man, put it inside a book and put the book inside a library.”

Variety:  Katie Couric staying at CBS News

Like the Federal government, CBS loves burning money.

UK Telegraph:  No free ride for Europe, says top Barack Obama aide

But yes to a free ride for Africa.

KY3:  Nixon To Visit Houston Saturday –  The Democratic candidate for Governor will visit the Texas County Democratic Club in Houston on Saturday at Noon. He’ll then follow-up with stops in Eminence and Doniphan.

While he’s in the area, he might as well stop by Boss, Licking, Competition, Success, Peculiar and Humansville.  In related news, Kenny Hulshof, through his bootheel whirlwind, will visit Braggadocio.

KSDK:  Man Gets Naked on Plane then Tries to Open Emergency Door

I’ve heard of booty calls, but this is a bit extreme.

WND:  Academia to high schools: No God allowed

God doesn’t meet the University of California System’s high standards.

Take Two:  WND:  Academia to high schools: No God allowed

If they found out God was black…

Time:   Obama Begins Afghanistan Tour

Taliban remnants hoping for change.

Time:  Gore’s Bold Plan to Save the Planet

Windmills everywhere will guarantee a carbon-neutral energy supply for everybody’s bathroom nightlights.

Fun With Liberals Bashing Each Other

WCBS-2 NYC:  Rangel Challenges Washington Post In Ethics Probe

Next thing you know, Ted Kennedy will come out against the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

Rocky Mountain News:  Protesters, police educate, gear up for convention

The Democrats are about to nominate the most far-left person in my lifetime, and the far-left still wants to show off.

Briefing Room Blog:  Voinovich Finds Gore’s Energy Speech ‘Ridiculous’

George Voinovich better start sounding conservative, because he saw what happened to Mike DeWhine two years ago.

CNS:  Obama Calls Criticism of Wife ‘Infuriating’

I would agree if you erase “criticism” and “of.”

James Edwards:   Is Mary Mitchell crazy?

I don’t know who she is, but if James Edwards has to ask, the answer is yes.

NPI:  Negative perception of blacks rises with more news watching, studies say

There you go.  Blacks can be so violent that even the MSM that try to cover up for them can’t cover it up enough.

NPI:  Demography / The World Bank / Africa’s Population Set to Double by 2036

Good, I know how this news can save you about $50 billion.

WaPo:  3 Anchors to Follow Obama’s Trek Abroad

I’m going to stop calling them ABC, CBS and NBC, and start calling them ONN (Obama News Network) 1, 2 and 3.

NYT:  300 Advisers Shape Obama’s Foreign Policy

And eight of them don’t even work for ONN 1, 2 or 3.

WSJ:  Covington Partner Demonstrates Treatment of Detainees

Strips down to his legal briefs.

Dhimmi Watch:  UK Muslim youth to be taught good citizenship skills

There’s the problem.  “UK Muslim youth” and “citizen” are in the same sentence.

Jihad Watch:  NPR: No jihad here

Nobody here but us pigs.

ZDNet:  We don’t want you to talk, Mr. Ballmer

Just to dance around and yell.

Slashdot:  You, Too, Could Be Batman In 10 To 12 Years

I would settle for an entirely self-powered KITT.

Taki:  America’s First Affirmative Action Candidate, Posted by Patrick J. Buchanan on July 18, 2008

Two words:  Ezola Foster.

KC Star:  McCain renews call for gas-tax holiday at Union Station campaign stop

“I wish it could be Christmas all year long.”

KSDK:  Ballpark Village Deal Reached

Again?

KSDK:  St. Louis Children’s Hospital To Offer HIV Screeening [for those 15 and older] As Routine Care in E.R.

Seems strange doing it at a children’s hospital.

Brian Ross:  Sen. Levin: Shut Down Giant Swiss Bank UBS

Let’s see.  Chuck Schumer’s mouth drove IndyMac out of business, Levin wants to get rid of UBS.  Do all 49 Senate Democrats want some bank to fail?

WND:  State Dept. promotes ‘Mosques in America’

I’m going to send away for the calendar called “Churches in Saudi Arabia.”

Joseph Farah:  Obama’s embarrassed by you

I’m more embarrassed by him.

WND:  Dakota Fanning ‘rape’ movie gets $387,000 from taxpayers

That’s the only way a Dakota Fanning movie can make any money, if you’re forced to give it some of yours.

McPaper:  No rush to register handguns in D.C.

Not until the next lawsuit is adjudicated.

Take Two:  McPaper:  No rush to register handguns in D.C.

D.C. doesn’t have enough non-felons to constitute a rush for legal handguns.

AP:  Pope: All faiths should unite against violence

One faith in particular is not so sure.

AP:  Many ills found at Chicago jail, nation’s biggest

Duh, it’s populated by mostly blacks and run by mostly blacks.

AP:  Poll: Obama backers are more excited than McCain’s

Maybe because Obama’s backers are more exciteable than McCain’s.

Reuters:  ABBA fans can’t resist “Mamma Mia!” soundtrack

That’s because MM’s soundtrack is essentially a ABBA’s Greatest Hits CD playing in the background while town whore tries to find the father of her bun in the oven.

AP:  Mexico captures submarine loaded with drugs

I would also believe the headline of you replace “captures” with “launches.”

Fun With the National Association for the Advancement of Not Us

CNS:  NAACP Urged to Help De-Fund Planned Parenthood

While we’re talking about defunding, the NAACP would be a start.

LoS:  NAACP Fails the “Morris Dees” test

Be of good cheer, NAACP.  Heidi Beirich and Mark Potok barely pass the Morris Dees test.

CNS:  Gore Sets ‘Moon Shot’ Goal on Climate Change

Either Gore’s mooning us, or he’s howling at the moon, or he’s going to ride a white horse to the moon.

Dhimmi Watch:  Non-Muslims persecuted in Iraq

There weren’t too many headlines like this up until about five years ago.

The Onion:  U.S. Intelligence: Burundi May Be Developing Telephone

If they get it, then half the people will slaughter the other half for possession and credit.

KC Star:  Judge orders Missouri Department of Social Services to help clients register to vote

I’m guessing the judge is a Clinton or Carter appointee.

KSDK:  DC Residents Register for Firearms after 32-Year Handgun Ban Lifted

Meanwhile, thugs will continue to skip all the legal paperwork and hassle.

John Combest:  KTVI:  Jeff Smith’s annual 3-on-3 basketball tournament to feature blood drive, health screenings, more

I’m guessing most of the men who will play basketball are already pretty healthy.

WND:  President doesn’t work on gun-rights disputes

Of course not, because that only involves the little people, in spite of all those “little people” who are NRA members working like hell to elect this guy over Gore and Kerry.

Politico:  McCain’s humor often backfires

You call that humor?

AP:  Pope says world’s resources being squandered

I think the world’s resources are being squandered on Africa.

Business Weak:  Yoga Makes Headway in Business Schools

So that B-school students can learn how to relax when they’ll forever be rejected for jobs in favor of someone from Bangalore.

AP:  Problems on Robben Island, site of Mandela jail

I should say so.  Mandela’s not there.

The Headline-Writing Gods Were Happy Today

CNS:  ACLU: Passengers Who Fight Are Better Than Terror Watch List

Except if they start praying.

LoS:  Bush: “It’s been a difficult time for American families”

“So I’ve been told.”

McPaper:  ‘People are worried,’ Bernanke acknowledges

See above.

NPI:  Study: Americans Expect Business Leaders to Be White

Also expect America to be white.

WFAA-ABC-8 Dallas-Ft. Worth:  African journey: SMU basketball team learns about teammates, culture

Why should they have to go to Africa to experience Africa when probably all but one or two of the team are Africa?

WXYZ-ABC-7 Detroit:  ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ Arrested As Predator

You knew he wasn’t really when the “W” was the same “W” in WWE.

Dhimmi Watch:  Archbishop of Canterbury: Christian doctrine is offensive to Muslims

So?

Slashdot:  The Largest Recorded Tsunami Was 50 Years Ago

Now we know why a 10-year old Albert A. Gore, Jr. was jabbering on about “global warming.”

P-D:  St. Charles aquatic center moves forward

A city crammed between and perpetually threatened by two major rivers really needs to glorify water.

CNS:  Reagan Memorials for London, Berlin

But what of America?

AP:  McCain at NAACP pledges more education options

Good, because they need it.

Blue Collar Republican:  Drill, Drill, Drill..

Yeah!  </Bill Clinton>

Boston Globe:  Across the aisle, a ballad to Kennedy

Since half the Senate Republicans kiss Ted Kennedy’s ring anyway, let’s move the aisle to one side and have all the seats to the left.

Sacramento Bee:  One of every four California students drops out

Or, to put it in the language that most Californians speak and presumably some can read:  Una cuarta parte de todos los estudiantes de California no terminan la escuela secundaria.

Media Buyer Planner:  AJC Slims Workforce by 8%

Doesn’t matter which AJC they’re referring to, it’s good news for us.

CNS:  France Denies Citizenship to Veiled Muslim Woman

And if she wasn’t veiled, it would have been alright?

CNS:  Obama Predicts Black Voter Increase, Southern Wins

I agree.  The black voter turnout in the South and most everywhere else will be more than 100%.

Conservative Times:  Mexican law enforcement abandoning Mexico?

Most people just call them dope traffickers sneaking across the border.

Paul Huebl:  Chicago Is In A Real Law Enforcement Crisis

In order for Chicagograd to have a “real law enforcement crisis,” it would have to have law enforcement to begin with.

LoS:  What an attack on Iran will look like

It will look like people adding a second placeholder to the left of the decimal place on the gas price boards.

John Lott:  Obama denies flip-flopping on guns

Tomorrow, he’ll deny that he denied flip-flopping.

Lew Rockwell:  Ron Paul Defends the Dollar

In response, John McCain defended the Peso.

Jo Mannies:  Bond named McCain’s state campaign chairman

The McCain people asked Kit Bond to prove that he could show some spirit for the Arizona Senator’s bid to be President, and Kit Bond pulled out a bottle of an 80-proof spirit.

Missouri Net:  Probation and parole officers want money owed them

If they don’t get, then Jay Nixon can charge the DOC with stealing, and the courts could sentence it to probation.

KSDK:  St. Charles Bars ‘Grandfathered In’ to Avoid New Ordinance

They can keep on serving beer if a certain percentage of ther regulars are grandfathers.

KSDK:  Fox: Jackson Used ‘N-Word’ in Crude Off-Air Remarks

So, the Reverend used a racial pejorative?  Nuts!

LAT:  Why do Asian students generally get higher marks than Latinos?

Wherefore art thou Romeo?  Why do the heathen rage and the people imagine a vain thing?

Catholic News Agency:  Brazilian law would prohibit Christian teaching on homosexuality

And replace Jesus atop Mt. Corcovado with a statue of an S&M drag queen.

SFC:  S.F. fires up two-pronged attack on smoking

Weed?

The Olympian (Washington State):  Senate agrees to triple anti-AIDS funding

And to dig two more giant ratholes to complement the one they already have.

WND:  Major U.S. city officially condemns Catholic Church [for "intolerance"]

Proof that San Francisco’s city council members are wrong is that none of them will ever burn at the stake.

WND:  Wipeout: Toilet paper giant [Georgia-Pacific] flushes gun-freedom law

So in other words, G-P is treating Florida law like a piece of toilet paper.

AP:  Boy, 11, tracks speeders with toy radar gun

In my day, we had a name for such kids (or, more accurately, they had a name for me):  Tattle-tales.

CSM:  Miami wrestles with urban scheme

Everything in Miami these days is a scheme.

AP:  Andy Dick jailed in SoCal on drug, sex allegations

You really don’t need me to react to this one, do you?

AFP:  Malaysian opposition leader Anwar arrested

So, Anwar was drilled?

Time:  Can Britain Save its Wayward Youth?

Maybe so, but I wouldn’t call them British.

Politico:  Fannie [Mae], Freddie [Mac] spent $200M to buy influence

How much did Bernie Mac spend?

Business Week:  Volkswagen Waltzes Into Tennessee

5.6 million people slapping each other and saying “Slug Bug”

AP:  Cathedral dig yields finds from 1700s New Orleans

Lower 9th Ward dig yields finds from early 2000s New Orleans.

AP:  Video game industry tries to broaden its appeal

Since it already has the hearts and minds of teenage boys as old as 50.

PC World:  Spammer Gets 30 Months for Inundating AOL

Isn’t this the pot calling the kettle black, considering that AOHell mailed everybody a CD about twice a week for about seven years?

Reuters:  Man spent $1,000 a week on beer?

If yes, he’s InBev’s next CEO.

AP:  Man claims he found a 7-inch knife in sandwich

His name would be a punchline if he would have ordered the 6-inch sub.

AP:  Man tries to [triathlon] away from police

He wouldn’t have gotten away easily, as a man doing a marathon clad only in speedos is pretty easy to spot.

I’m Still Steamed

NY Observer:  Hillary Clinton Asks To Keep Donor Money for 2012

Without reading anything else, you might think she might want to borrow Jesse Jackson’s scalpel.

CNS:  Global Warming Blamed for Kidney Stones

Pretty soon, it’ll be blamed for hung toenails.

Take Two:  CNS:  Global Warming Blamed for Kidney Stones

I’m wondering if we can blame InBev for kidney stones, or global warming.

Slashdot:  Disgruntled Engineer Hijacks San Francisco’s Computer System

Why bother?  There are probably lots of free gay porn sites.

Tulsa World:  Man killed in drive-by shooting [in Boys' Club Parking Lot]; three in custody

If you signed your boy up for the Boys’ Club to make him more safe, turns out he’s not so safe.

Time:  An American Pastime: Smoking Pot

Maybe a lot of people took subliminal imperatives from all those oldies songs that have “doobie doo” in the lyrics.

Take Two:  Time:  An American Pastime: Smoking Pot

Well now, if it’s uniquely and quintessentially American, then InBev will want to buy it.

McPaper:  Activists pursue basic legal rights for great apes

Including letting your daugther marry one of their males, and sicking Morris Dees on you if you show any sign of disapproval.

Reuters:  Women arrested in sex competition

The winner would have won the First Annual Monica Lewinsky Trophy.

You Can Tell That I’m Miffed About Something Today

AFP:  ICC prosecutor seeks arrest of Sudan’s Beshir for ‘genocide’

Yeah, because those UN troops are so courageous, or Beshir will willingly surrender.

LiveScience:  Babies Think Like Adults

I’ll believe that when a baby’s first words are “mortgage and MasterCard due in the same pay period.”

AP:  Obama tells NAACP blacks must take responsibility

And covers his nuts while doing so.

WND:  Beatles a Christian band? Lennon ‘big fan’ of Jesus

Sorry, lefties.  That part about him “imagining no religion” were just lyrics.

AP:  McCain touts free trade agenda to Hispanic group

Guessing he won’t make that speech in Weirton, West Virginia.

P-D:  3-year-old crashes SUV

Probably the only way that his parents were going to get rid of the SUV.

Dot Org:  Post-Nader Green Party nominates Black Power duo.

The Post-Clinton Democrats might do the same if Obama picks Deval Patrick.

Slashdot:  Shuttleworth Sees Possibility For a QT-based GNOME

He’s not referring to a cute statue that you can buy at Quik Trip.

Slashdot:  Antarctica Once Abutted Death Valley

Meaning that putting 134 degrees right next to -100 degrees might balance out to a pretty nice day.

AFP:  Schwarzenegger slams Bush administration on global warming

During his daily commute via a Gulfstream from Santa Barbara to Sacramento.

KSDK:  NAACP Head: Obama Win Won’t Solve Racial Injustice

Of course not, so just keep on sending those checks to the NAACP after 2009.

KSDK:  NAACP Leaders Will Push Confederate Flag Issue

At least they’ll make more noise on what they believe than the Teamsters did to save about 5,000 of their own in St. Louis.

CNS:  Fed Poised to Curb Shady Home-Lending Practices

Such as the ones that allowed people of certain shades to buy houses when they really shouldn’t have.

James Edwards:  Guns cause crime?

No, InBev causes crime.

LoS:  A little Beirich bashing

Count me out unless it’s a lot.

Take Two:  LoS:  A little Beirich bashing

Aw hell, just have InBev buy out the Southern Poverty Law Center and have done with it.

KSDK:  St. Louisans Debate Merger on KMOX

Just as InBev makes an offer to buy KMOX.

UK Guardian:  Microsoft, Yahoo trade barbs over talks breakdown

All that contention will go away when InBev buys them both.

AFP:  Ailing US auto giant GM calls Tuesday news conference

To announce that they’re being bought out by InBev.

AP:  Stocks decline as worries about financials persist

Just have InBev announce that it’s buying out every corporation.  That’ll get their stock price up.

AP:  Agent: ‘Prospects bleak’ on [Barry] Bonds returning [to baseball] in ‘08

Of course, because InBev wants to. give him a job.

AP:  Brett Favre: Packers should let me play elsewhere

And if they don’t let him, will he start bawling like he did when he announced his “retirement?”

Here’s a Penny For Your Thoughts

NPI:  Jonah Goldberg: The black hole of extreme political correctness

He’s talking about National Review, right?

AP:  Cops fear Calif. isle is turning gangster paradise

When former Mexican President Vincente Fox said that “where there is a Mexican, there is Mexico,” he didn’t exclude islands.

AP:  Obama says `little doubt’ country in recession

I doubt it.  I think we’re close to a depression.

Reuters:  Yahoo rejects joint Microsoft, Icahn proposal

Then will sue the hell out of everyone, then will be all friendly when they add $5 more a share.

Reuters:  Iran condemns McCain for cigarette joke

Who knew that “Call for Phillip Morr-rrisss” could be a battle cry?

Time:  Protecting the Wonders of the World

But not the descendants of the peoples that built the Wonders of the World.

AP:  Roller girls give chase in La. version of bull run

Giving New Orleans’s thugs a new idea — skate-by shootings.

AP:  Kan. town sets pair of penny world records

Probably spent more in gas for their cars to set these world records than they raised from the pennies.

Fun With Fluff and Frenzy

SI:  Presidential candidate Obama to sponsor Cup car at [NASCAR] Pocono race

MoveOn.org and Daily Kos already fuming (no pun int’d) that it’s not a hybrid.

East Tennessee CofCC Blog:  Black pastors set HIV test example in Nashville

What we’ll never know is how many of them tested positive.

CNS:  A False Frenzy on Global Warming

Frenzies don’t usually turn out to be true.

P-D:  Some A-B shareholders here still oppose sale

By “some,” do they mean 50.01% of the total?

WND:  [California] State troopers rebuke students for singing national anthem [and "God Bless America"]

“Now you kids have to realize that we in California don’t believe in either God or America.”

AP:  Bernie Mac makes off-color joke at Obama event

The only other kind of joke Bernie Mac knows how to make is non-funny.

LiveScience:  Chemist ‘Really Jazzed’ About Creating New Molecules

I’m waiting for a Jazz musician to be “really chemisted” about composing a new song.

Reuters:  “Madden Football” marks 20 years

And the average guy that plays Madden Football is marking 40 years.

Reuters:  “High School Musical” retunes to suit Latin America

Meaning that all the actors play freshmen, and it ends with everyone dropping out.

Fun With a Busy News Day

P-D:  Lambert reconsiders makeover of Main Terminal

I’m sure that’ll do it, and by “it,” I mean make Lambert important again.

AP:  McCain dodges question on Viagra, contraceptives

And who’s the dweeb that asked him questions about Viagra and contraceptives?  Must be the same goofball that asked Bill Clinton about boxers or briefs.

Take Two:  AP:  McCain dodges question on Viagra, contraceptives

One helps you get it up tonight, and the other means that you won’t get a phone call nine months later.

AFP:  Long life of Indonesia’s penis growing grandma ends: reports

If necessity is the mother of invention, then half the men in Indonesia were just hurriedly formulating a pill for human immortality.

South Florida Sun-Sentinel:  Former Customs officer gets 7-year prison sentence in sex case

The article tells the name of the ICE agent.  And we’re the ones without sensitivy towards Hispanics.

Atlanta Journal-Constitution:  Dog meat off the menu during Beijing Olympics

China raising its standards, only allowing high-quality mystery meat common in “chicken” nuggets.

CNS:  Global Warming Led to ‘Black Hawk Down,’ Congressman Says

And that’s funny, I’ve been thinking for all these years that Mohammed Farrah Aidid’s gang had something to do with it.

CNS:  $36.3 Trillion Medicare Shortfall Can Be Fixed, Experts Say

“Just charge it to my Visa.” — R. Perot

James Edwards:  “South Carolina is so gay”

Maybe not the whole state, but I’ve heard rumors about its senior Senator.

NPI:  LULAC Receives $1 Million Grant From AT&T

Aztlan Telephone & Telegraph.

Steve Sailer:  California requires Algebra I for all 8th graders

Meaning that Algebra I will now be the best five years of their lives, instead of the best four.

Omaha World-Herald:  Proposed ban on illegal immigrants stirs uproar in Fremont

Because if it works well, the Federal government might wind up prohibiting illegal aliens from being here.

AP:  Lightning claims 5 young lives in a week

If lightning claimed five old lives in a week, then it wouldn’t be tragically newsworthy?

KC Star:  Michelle Obama on making life easier for the American woman

I can think of one American woman whose life got easier because her salary instantly tripled when her husband became a Senator.

KSDK:  Shirtless Mormon Missionary Calendar-Maker Facing Discipline

I’m guessing Salt Lake City doesn’t have any Abercrombie & Fitch stores.

KSDK:  71-Year-Old Woman Passionate about Golf and Kids

I’m guessing the definitions of “passion” and “kids” in this case are not in the same sense as “17 gets you 20.”

P-D:  St. Louis [City public employees] picket over lack of pay raise

If this InBev thing happens, and the city loses that revenue, they’ll be lucky to stay at the pay scale that they’re at right now.

AP:  Study: As gas prices go up, auto deaths drop

Good.  Let’s raise the cost of gas to infinity, so that nobody will die in cars.

AFP:  Obama wants Bin Laden executed

At first glance, I thought it said that Osama wants Bin Laden executed.

Reuters:  U.S. posts $50.7 bln June budget surplus

What, nobody gets welfare in the month of June?

LiveScience:  Your Skin Produces Marijuana-Like Substance

I can see all the dead skin doobie rolling going on right now.

Take Two:  LiveScience:  Your Skin Produces Marijuana-Like Substance

Every human being on Earth arrested for possession with intent to distribute.

AP:  Hollywood urges kids to spurn tobacco

“Because smoking it after the promiscuous sex we glorify is very bad for your health.”

E!Online:  Judge Won’t Pin Hulk in Jail

No father-and-son jailbirds.

AP:  Man breaks record by sitting in 39,250 seats

And then gets phone calls from the GMs of every last-place team in baseball.

Reuters:  Fake euro notes on the rise

Ah, to long for the good ole days when American money was valuable enough to counterfeit.

Fun With Adoption

WSFA-NBC-12 Montgomery, Ala.:  Southern Poverty Law Center Upset With Alabama State Senator

What do they want?  A medal, or a chest to pin it on?

Take Two: WSFA-NBC-12 Montgomery, Ala.:  Southern Poverty Law Center Upset With Alabama State Senator

Sounds like the kind of politician that the CofCC needs to have speak at one of our meetings.

Dot Org:  Obama Blogger Sues Bible Publisher Because God Hates Fags

Or he might sue the book’s author, which isn’t as crazy as it sounds.

NYDN:  Times climb - again! Man scales paper’s headquarters to protest Al Qaeda

In related news, a man scaled the MSNBC building to protest Barack Obama.

KSDK:  O’Fallon Police Look to Reunite Tortoise with Owner

It was found loitering at the Shell station.

P-D:  Illinois lawmakers again debating infrastructure plan

Which of Cook County’s roads and bridges should be fixed?

Atlanta Journal-Constitution:  ‘Men At Work’ signs to disappear in Atlanta

Another side effect of the bad economy.

CNS:  Black Churches Gather to Promote ‘Reproductive Choice’

Meaning they might oppose blacks reproducing?

NPI:  Africa is giving nothing to anyone — apart from AIDS

I don’t agree.  There’s also cannibalism and missionary stew.

NPI:  Is television America’s newest form of schizophrenia?

It’s more like manic depression.

Shorpy:  [Washington D.C.] Tech Basketball: 1920

Seems like white men used to be able to jump.

P-D:  DNA clears Ramsey family in 1996 slaying

If only Virginia McCarthy were here to read this.

V-Dare:  Voter Fraud In Alabama

You mean George Wallace knew what he was talking about?

We Hate Gringos:  Is San Francisco At The Tipping Point?

Yes.  The communists are at the tipping point of wrestling power away from the socialists.

Northwest Arkansas News:  Mexico? Really?

Yeah, really.  Because NWAR has a whole lot of it now.

KC Star:  Governor’s press conference to honor medal-winners features no medal-winners and no governor

Reminds me of the Holy Roman Empire…

Chicago Sun-Times:  Two alleged gang members shot by bicyclist on Northwest Side

Price of gas in Chicagograd getting so high as to force thugs onto bikes.

Reuters:  Stripper arrested for subway pole dances

“But your honor, I saw a metallic vertical pole and my instincts just kicked in.”

McPaper:  American students go for Olympic gold in learning

Too bad that there’s no medal for 59th place.

Politico:  Polls show high interest in poverty issue

Because that’s where so many people are headed.

Reuters:  Rasta pot smokers win high court fight

Of course they had to go to the “high” court.

Reuters:  Rejected newborn red panda adopted by cat

In other words, the cat switched to a baby Firefox.  Just as more and more web surfers are adopting Mozilla Firefox.

Fun With Spanglish and German(s)

Chicago Tribune:  In Satanist’s custody battle, law may play devil’s advocate

And if he loses, he probably wouldn’t have any moral misgivings about kidnapping.

Against Obama Blog:  Barack Obama: Your Children Should Learn To Speak Spanish

Why not?  Spanish is the language spoken in Mexico, which America will become after BarJohn McObama’s “comprehensive immigration reform.”

Take Two:  Against Obama Blog:  Barack Obama: Your Children Should Learn To Speak Spanish

Many of “our” children already can.

Fox News:  Obama Tells Kids to Stay in School, Learn a Foreign Language

I have no problem with American children learning a foreign language — they would do well to master both English AND German.

Take Two:  Fox News:  Obama Tells Kids to Stay in School, Learn a Foreign Language

For more and more “American” children, English is that foreign language.

Obama:  “Immigrant children can learn English”

But if we all learn Spanish like he wants, they won’t need to learn English.

AFP:  Merkel warns Obama not to use landmark for ‘electioneering’

If he does, then Ang should start her next campaign for Chancellor at Ground Zero.

Las Vegas Review Journal:  Naked man hijacks bus

His first name is Charles, but people call him Dick.

Advocate of the Republic:  Psychologists Identify “Climate Change Delusion”

Ordinary people just call it liberalism.

Malkin:  MSN Money: What would happen if every illegal alien were thrown out?

Wages and salaries would go up, prices would go down, crime would decrease…what would Microsoft do if every H-1B visa holder were thrown out?

Fun With ABBA and Socks

KSDK:  Two Gubernatorial Candidates Meet in Public Forum

Ahem.  </Jim Guest>

KSDK:  Belleville Police Arrest [36-yo] Socks Thief

The arresting officer’s name was Sax.  By the way, this kind of fun with undergarments stops being fun when you turn 20.

Malkin:  More nosy doctors who don’t like guns

Are these the same kinds of doctors that will give Viagra prescriptions to any guy with a pulse?

Slashdot:  Mercedes To Phase Out Gasoline By 2015

So, Mercedes is going to get rid of gasoline everywhere all by itself?  That’s news to the oil companies.

Dan Stein:  McCain Addresses LULAC Convention, Talks Enforcement

“There won’t be anything to enforce once I get my amnesty.”

Steve Patterson:  Reconnecting St Louis to the Mississippi; Don’t Cover the Highway, 86 It.

Sounds strangely familiar.

Fox News:  Lawmaker Expects American Teens to Be Released From Pakistani Madrassa

One word in this headline is lying, and I’ll give you a hint:  It starts with “A.”

AP:  Senate to pass bill overhauling eavesdropping rules

So we’ve heard.

AP:  Congress studies how people track your online use

Congress wants to track the Praetorian trackers.

McClatchy:  Bush administration told to speed processing of Guantanamo inmates

Click.

Time:  China’s Lost Generation [of young adults]

Yes, all 100 million of them.

AFP:  [Four] Ex-US generals want gays to serve openly

At the press conference, they appeared paired off two-by-two.

Politico:  In theory, economists support McCain

But on the other hand…

CQ Politics:  Obama Plans Mile High Acceptance Speech

What a difference 30 years can make.  Crack high at 17, Mile High at 47.

AP:  Developing economies don’t back G-8 climate goal

But want developed economies to.  Wonder why.

C|Net:  Bank of America may finally embrace Firefox

“May” embrace Fx, but “would” turn away 20% of its brick-and-mortar customers.

McPaper:  Seven good reasons for an ABBA love fest

I can think of a billion reasons:  Several years ago, someone offered them $1 billion to reunite.

Reuters:  Woman overpowers thief with tea and sympathy

But no antipathy.

Reuters:  Court convicts man who says he can raise dead

And punishes him to cruxifiction?

Fun With Pat’s Riot

Bloomberg:  Obama Says Anheuser-Busch Should Stay in U.S. Hands

The first time in ages that a Chicagoan wants to do St. Louis a favor.
CNS:  Latino Convention Backs Border Security, ‘No Walls’

Like John Kerry was both for and against the Iraq War.

KSDK:  Michael Vick Files for Bankruptcy Protection

Can’t pay back $50 million on 12 cents an hour.

CNN:  McCain: Spending is out of control

Some of that out of control spending includes welfare for the illegal aliens McCain loves so much.

Time:  McCain and Obama on Patriotism

Being Patriotic towards Mexico and Africa is something Americans should be.

Fun With the Als, Gore and Qaeda

Malkin:  DC mayor still unclear on the concept explained in Heller

You think a lawyer wouldn’t have any problem with “shall not be infringed,” but Adrian Fenty did go to Cracker Jack Box Law School, so he actually might not grasp simple concepts.

KSDK:  Could be the Hottest Day of the Year So Far….

Waiting for Al Gore to start running his trap….

CNS:  Jesse Helms Battled Liberals, Communists

Which makes me think that today’s Republican Party isn’t half bad, because they have only adopted the liberal part.

Schlafly:  Conservatives Ready To Battle McCain on Convention Platform

If we win?  Yay, we got a worthless piece of paper.

Comcast:  Mayweather Jr. accuses HBO announcers of bias

If HBO praised black boxers any more, they wouldn’t have time to show “The Sopranos.”

CBS:  Al Qaeda Expanding Recruitment Of Children

Hey, give AQ some credit — they have a 12-year old age limit, unlike certain black street gangs in Oakland.

Telegraph:  G8 summit: Gordon Brown has eight-course dinner before food crisis talks

He would have had nine courses, but skipped one to show solidary with and sensitivity towards Africa.

Boston Herald:  Sex acts on Provincetown beaches prompt outrage

Especially among Provincetown’s innkeepers and their slow business.

Fun With China and China

Drudge (at the time of this writing):  REPORTS: Mechanical problem hits Obama campaign plane; diverting to St Louis… Developing…

Don’t look at me.  My alibi is rock solid;  I was blogging.

AP:  Bush: Russia’s new president is ’smart guy’

America’s new President in 1977 was a “smart guy,” too.

AP:  NBC to use Olympics to see how people use media

Though what they find out from those who just watch synchronized swimming won’t be very useful.

AFP:  Mugabe regime warns West to ’stop meddling’

Because he’s doing such a great job all by himself.

Take Two:  AFP:  Mugabe regime warns West to ’stop meddling’

Ian Smith really did wish the West would have “stopped meddling” in 1979.

E!Online:  Miley Cyrus Gives U.S. Troops a Shout-Out

And she’s so thoughtful that she’d give them the shirt off her back.

Sky News:  [Gordon] Brown: We Must Stop Wasting Food

As opposed to all those other British politicians who are for wasting food.

CNS:  As G8 Leaders Meet, Question of China Again Arises

Seven of the eight leaders wanted porcelain dinnerware.

Fun With a Slow News Day

Der Spiegel:  Obama Refines Plans for Germany Trip

Ich bin ein far left-winger.

Take Two:  Der Spiegel:  Obama Refines Plans for Germany Trip

Just what Germany needs, another American black.

International Herald Tribune:  Prefer dogs to humans? You’re not alone (or unbalanced)

Actually, the ones that prefer cats to humans are the flakey ones.

AP:  NBC Universal to buy The Weather Channel for $3.5B

What for?  NBC already has a weather channel.

AFP:  US believes in strong dollar: Bush

I once believed in the tooth fairy, too, but those two quarters under my pillow didn’t really come from the supernatural.

P-D:  Swimming pools reopen in Baghdad

But closing in America.

Fun With Ripping Heads and Ripping a New One

The Local of Sweden (H/T V-Dare):  French man with two asses surprises Swedish officials

I’ve heard of ripping someone a new one, but I never knew someone took it literally on someone else.

Take two:  French man with two asses surprises Swedish officials

Upon getting to Stockholm, two homosexuals at the same time wanted to marry him.

Take three:  French man with two asses surprises Swedish officials

One of the words in the headline is lying, and the word doesn’t start with “A.”

CSM:  ‘Dukes of Hazzard’ devotees gather to celebrate the hit 1980s TV show

And also to goad David Hasselhoff into dragracing KITT against General Lee.

WCAV-CBS-19 Charlottesville, Va.:  Sen. John Warner, R-Va. Suggests National Speed Limit

Because when the national speed limit was 55, everybody obeyed it, and the cops vigorously enforced it.

WKRC-CBS-12 Cincinnati:  Naked Prosecutor Wants Job Back

Probably won’t work any more indecent exposure cases even if he gets his job back.

Daily Mail:  Sharia law SHOULD be used in Britain, says UK’s top judge

If British common law is used in Saudi Arabia, then it’s all good.

Daily Mail:  Schoolboys punished with detention for refusing to kneel in class and pray to Allah

Their punishment will soon be proscribed by Sharia law, which recently became official in England.

Reuters:  ABBA foursome make rare appearance

“What do our songs have to do with some town whore trying to find the father of her brat?”

KSDK:  Video: St. Louisans Try to Break Kazoo Ensemble World Record

If they succeed, then Norman Cone and WGNU will be demoted to 2nd place.

Baltimore:  Salmonella signs point to peppers

Perhaps Peter Piper will be pissed.

Boston Globe:  McCain gets a good review in Mexico

Little brother liked big brother’s term paper a lot, but the teacher wasn’t so impressed.

MissouriNet:  PSC wants Missourians to think about winter now

Yes, because when it’s 100 and humid, I think about the days when it’s -5 and windy.

CNN:  CNN poll: Most say Founding Fathers wouldn’t be impressed

“We had George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson and James Monroe.  The best you could come up with is John McCain, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama?”

WND:  ‘Gay’ McDonald’s prompts boycott

I think McDonald’s is getting its words mixed up — “gay” doesn’t mean “happy” as in “happy meal” anymore — it means that Ronald McDonald and the Hamburgler got married in Massachusetts.

WND:  Evangelicals say McCain’s the one

Thank goodness there’s only one of him.

CSM:  Why South Africa’s Mbeki won’t rein in Mugabe

Because he is Mugabe, stupid.

AP:  NJ party town relaxes rules on kegs, rude gestures

If it were really a party town, there would be no rules on kegs to relax.

AP:  Bush urges Americans to be proud of country

Which country?  The one where your job was just outsourced?

Reuters:  Panama says no to U.S. military base

The presence we had in Panama is one that Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton couldn’t get rid of fast enough.

LiveScience:  Outdoor BBQ: A 700,000-year-old Ritual

Children bugging the grownups about is it done yet:  A 699,999-year old ritual.

Reuters:  Just how many “brains” does a PC need?

Just how many brains does a person need?  Because many of them are useless with the one they have.

Reuters:  Man rips head from Hitler wax figure

If the man was an upper-middle aged American with curly blond hair and a car with Alabama license plates, then we’ll see that mug again — on fundraising letters telling us about the danger of right-wing extremists.

Fun With Watermelons

As your doctor if watermelon is right for you.

Dot Org:   SPLC & ADL launching new attacks on CofCC & Political Cesspool on a regular basis.

I wonder what Morris and Abe would do if “hate” fell out of the dictionary; they’re both doing a good job of wearing it out.

NPR:   Afghanistan Strives To Register All Newborns

Making Afghani birth certificates more accurate than Latin American ones — that will serve all those Afghani baseball players well as they try to break into the major leagues.

WBAL-NBC-11 Baltimore:  [Mayor] Dixon Calls Ethics Probe Racist, Sexist

Since virtually every political and quasi-political position of power in Baltimore is now run by black women, she might have a point, or she might be a nut.

Arch City Chronicle:  Koster embraces stem cells, distances GOP

Would rather be closer to frozen embryos than Republicans.

CNS:  Group Asks for Divine Intervention to Ease Oil Prices

Responded God, “I help those who help themselves, Madam Speaker.”

Malkin:  Swell:  San Diego plans to declare “National Council of La Raza Day

Except the resolution was written in the language of the repressive gringo occupier.

KSDK:  Wrong Number! Job Hotline was Sex Line

At the rate the American economy is going, that might not have been a wrong number.

AP: Scientists:  Watermelon yields Viagra-like effects

If fried chicken and MD 20/20 also do the same thing, then a lot of our questions will be answered.

LiveScience:   Cave Men Loved to Sing

If you hear me try to sing, you’ll conclude that it all went downhill from there.

Reuters:   No skimpy outfits on bar staff

Only for the girl in the bar that you want to pick up.

AP:  Alleged police car joyride lands SC teen in jail

“Are you sure you’re a cop? Because you look like you haven’t yet had one real girlfriend in your life.”

Fun With San Francisco and Our Own Sicko

KSDK:  Uncle: 8 Killings Perhaps Linked to Nephew ‘Out of Character’

Therefore, those eight people really aren’t dead?  It’s called “deviancy.”  Look it up.

P-D:  Sheley appears before judge; can’t make bail

No kidding, you mean he doesn’t have $10 million lying around that he didn’t yet blow on meth?

LAT:  San Francisco’s Mayor Gavin Newsom launches exploratory bid for governor

The anti-girlyman might be replaced by the penultimate girlyman.

Take Two:  LAT:  San Francisco’s Mayor Gavin Newsom launches exploratory bid for governor

Half the population of his home city read “exploratory” in the article but turned the page when they realize they’re not reading S&M .

SF Chronicle:  MAYOR’S VIEW: Newsom says he lacks authority to turn over immigrant lawbreakers to feds

Yet, Gavin “Any Twosome” Newsom several years ago gave his city the authority it didn’t have to perform gay weddings.

LAT:  Young illegal immigrants lose their San Francisco sanctuary

I’m playing the world’s saddest song on the world’s smallest violin.

AFP:  Americans are world’s top drug users: study

If either Cheech or Chong leave the country, we’ll sink to the middle of the pack.

Slashdot:  Justice Dept To Investigate Google-Yahoo Deal

No Goohoo for the DOJ.

NPR:  No More German Paper For Zimbabwe Money

The Schwarzwald only has so many trees.

NPR:  Presidential Candidates Differ on Free Trade

One’s for it, and one pretends he’s against it.  Real big difference.

Slashdot:  Intel Says to Prepare For “Thousands of Cores”

Greenpeace says to prepare for thousands of Gores.

P-D:  Even when his party leans to the center, Akin stays right

Because he wants to do what most Republicans won’t in 2008, and that is win re-election.

Bloomberg:  Buffett’s Berkshire Has Worst First Half Since 1990

Obviously, then, WarrenB is hurting for money and needs this InBev buyout of A-B to happen.

WND:  Legislator: Law allows banishment of Bible

They’ll take my Bible out of my cold dead hands.

USN&WR:  GOP Envisions Gephardt as Possible Obama Running Mate

I wish the GOP would stop envisioning other party’s running mates and start trying to come up with a good one for the goose they’re about to nominate.

CQ Politics:  Dem’s Chances of Ousting Maine Sen. Collins Still Hard to Measure

Forget the Dems, what are the Republicans’ chances of ousting her?

Reuters:  Lorry crash stirs up 12 million angry bees

So that’s where all the bees are.

Torture and Revolution and Starbucks, Oh My!

Malkin: NC couple active in Democratic politics, Satanic torture-cult

At least with the latter, they only hurt themselves and by their own free will.

Chattanooga Times Free Press: Judge Advises Crime Victim To Arm Herself After Attack

And if she doesn’t, will he hold her in contempt of court?

Denver Post: DNC protests will be behind fence

Democrat Party: Fencing to protect us, but no border fencing to protect America.

WND: Obama site urges: ‘Revolution’ against U.S. ‘oppressive’ regime

Waiting to see how a President Obama, Vice-President Deval Patrick and Attorney General Jamie Gorelick respond to white right-wingers in Idaho and religious sect members in central Texas who take that idea seriously.

WND: ‘Gay’ rights group to Supremes: Don’t let people vote

Only judges get to vote.

NYT: Helmsley’s Fortune May Go to Benefit Dogs

And they won’t have to pay doggy taxes, because taxes are only for the little dogs.

AP: Quayle respects Obama, McCain has uphill battle

Wrote Quayle in a press release, “Mr. Obomba deserves our respecte.”

Reuters: McCain focuses on trade in Colombia, Mexico trip

If your boss gets a passport with a stamp from Colombia, that’s where your job is getting ready to go.

Reuters: Starbucks to cut up to 12,000 jobs, close 600 stores

If closing 600 stores means cutting 12,000 jobs, that calculates to 20 employees per store. Why is it, then, that every time I go into a Starbucks that there’s a hideously long line waiting for the one person working there to check each person out?

AFP: Schwarzenegger deploys National Guard to fight California fires

In order to fight the fires probably started by illegal aliens that snuck across the border that Arnie doesn’t want the National Guard, well, guarding.

Time: Text-Messaging Behind the Wheel

“OMG, a car is coming at me head-on LOL”

LiveScience: Ancient Tribes and Modern Civilization Don’t Mix

The segs down South were trying to tell us this in the 1950s and 60s.

Reuters: And the world’s happiest country is…[Denmark]

AND

Reuters: Drunken Swede tries to row home from Denmark

Now we know why one person in Denmark was so happy.

CNS: Michelle Obama Praises Husband’s Commitment to Homosexuals

And if he starts committing to any one homosexual in general, then Michelle will have to find a good lawyer.

CNS: Democrats Use Social Security to Bludgeon McCain

Why can’t the Dems raise their own money to bash the “opposition” instead of using Social Security’s?

Fun With Girth, Gluttony and Overflow

Barack Obama, speaking in Independence, Mo. today:  “No political party has a monopoly on patriotism.”

I agree, because I don’t think either party has any patriotism.

P-D:  TV farmer has a flooded reality

Farmer wanted a wife, but got a flood.

P-D:  Showers don’t stop thousands from enjoying PrideFest

Interpreted another way, showers might be part of the enjoyment at PrideFest.

KSDK:  Burger King Looks to Woo Moms with New Kids Meal

What about a new Mom’s Meal?

P-D Political Fix:  McCaskill pushes Obama in Bootheel

It’s like pushing Obama in north St. Louis.  Unnecessary.

Take two:  P-D Political Fix:  McCaskill pushes Obama in Bootheel

But leave the barbecue and catfish restaurants alone.

Huffington Post:  Marketing Push To Turn Water Into The New Wine

Bottled water is getting almost as expensive, and the high-priced varieties aren’t that much better than the cheap ones.  So water is the new wine.

WND:  FEMA inspector goes berserk with golf club

Soon, the Supreme Court will decide that owning a golf club is a Constitutional right.

WND:  Obama campaign site: Free Islamic terrorist!

While I have tended to dismiss those Muslim rumors in the past, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…

CNS:  Will Africa take action against Zimbabwe’s Mugabe?

No, they’ll take action for him, because they all approve of him.

Reuters:  Black Americans on long road to political equality

And they’ll still be on a long road to political equality a hundred years from now.

AFP:  Smoking among US teenagers holds steady: study

Smoking what?

Time:  America’s Shrinking Groceries

Also, America’s many more mouths to feed.  And you wonder why the price is going up.

AP:  Clark: McCain a hero, but lacks command experience

Unlike being a Chicago community activist, which actually is combat experience.

LiveScience:  How the Declaration of Independence Changed the World

Too bad the government formed by that Declaration is quickly forgetting.

AP:  Microsoft to stop selling Windows XP on Monday

And giving it away for free?

AP:  Cleveland Clinic hooks up with Weight Watchers

Drew Carey is their first customer.

Fun With The Murky

AP:  NBC offers wide online access for Beijing Olympics

Most people who try to access the streaming video will log off, not realizing that all that gray is really live footage.

Web User:  IE6 users warned to upgrade

Its successor has only been out for 20 months, so people may not know yet.

KSDK:  Presidential Candidates Vie For Hispanic Vote

I guess nobody thinks that white people actually vote.

Arizona Republic:  Sheriff [Arpaio] says next Mesa crime sweep will be unannounced

How goofy is that?  We all know it’s better to announce ahead of time the areas you’re going to knock back, in order to give the miscreants who live there ample time to flee to safety.

SF Chronicle:  Feds probe S.F.’s migrant-offender shield

You really know that you’re an open borders fanatic when the Yankee Government is busting your chops over something related to immigration.

WND:  Bill Clinton: Obama has to ‘kiss my *&%!’

He would have said “suck my *&%!” but he reserved that line for Obama’s young female interns.

AP: