Illinois High School Sports Governing Board Allows Shirts vs Skins Competition

17 01 2010

SPRINGFIELD, Ill.  (FNN)  —   The Illinois High School Association (IHSA) announced today that, in lieu of waivers for illegal basketball uniforms on the part of high school basketball teams not currently in compliance with national standards, that Illinois will be the first state in the country to allow shirts versus skins in formal interscholastic competition in men’s basketball.

Officials have recently notified the IHSA of several schools whose uniforms do not currently comply with National Federation of State High School Association (NFHS) rules.  However, many Illinois school districts are suffering from budgetary constraints due to the current recession, and many high schools would have to cut back on important programs like condom distribution to purchase new uniforms.  Likewise, they could not afford IHSA fines and sanctions for non-standard uniforms.

Among the many offending elements of such uniforms are shorts with words such as “Mo’ Money” and “Kiss This” embroidered on the rear side across a typical player’s anal area, exclamation points stitched into the front of the shorts, which are suggestive of the player’s penis, jerseys with player names in an Olde English style ghetto font, fringes on both the jerseys and shorts of thin reddish rope material that alludes to a house of ill repute and its impresario, and among certain schools in Chicago, the exclusive use of either red or blue for the away color.  Other recent developments in this stead have included the lack of jersey player numbers in some schools whose standardized scores in mathematics are extremely low, and the very loose elasticity of warmup pants that allow them to hang low on the player’s torso and sag relative to the player’s body.

As a workaround, IHSA will mandate beginning with games scheduled on January 19 and going forward that the players on teams with non-standard jerseys play their games shirtless.  “This only solves half the problem,” says IHSA Chairman Hick Hicks, “but we’ve gotta allow shorts at the very least, because some of these schools are also suffering from STD problems, and imagine the bad message it would send for guys to come out in just jockstraps and shoes.”

The IHSA board also decided on a solution to the dilemma that would present itself if two “skin” teams have to play each other.  On a 6-1 vote, the board mandated that the road team in a skins vs skins scenario paint their chests and backs in a conspicuous color.  The lone dissenting vote was a board member from Chicago, who doubly complained that the result of this rule would mean that some black men would have to paint themselves white, and also that if white men had to paint themselves black, they might get the mistaken notion that they can actually jump.

In a future IHSA board meeting, members will have to find another solution to the skins vs skins dilemma.  According to custodial engineers that spoke to FNN, such body paint would clog drains and plumbing over time, and those that wear it eventually won’t be able to take showers after games.

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