Fun With Headlines, In Arrears Edition

22 04 2010

You’ll be amazed how many good headlines queue up in three days.

UK Daily Mail:  Scout boom takes the woggle count to 500,000 in biggest membership surge in a decade

Enjoy it now, scouts.  Because you’ll all be required to quit when Britain’s human rights gestapos find out about the B.S.’s homophobia.

Slashdot:  The Sopranos Meet H-1B In New Jersey

I’m waiting for Jersey Shore to meet H-1B in New Jersey.  You’ll know when The Situation seems a little darker than usual.  I’ll give you a hint — it’s not a bad suntan.

5:  Harvey Kornblum Jewish Food Pantry

The hot dogs are great.  The crackers leave a little something to be desired, though.

NYP:  $1 million parties — have NYC bar mitzvahs gone too far?

If I were Jewish and turning 13, I wouldn’t mind having a cool mill spent on my Bar Mitzvah.  In fact, I’d party down, for I know the next morning it would be the beginning of a long life of animal sacrifice and general all-around human deprivation.

Washington Examiner:  Hannity not at Cincinnati rally: But Tea Party rally an overall success

That’s because Bill Cunningham was there using Obama’s middle name over and over again.

P-D:  Community Against Poverty Fair

For the sake of equal time, I’m trying to find a community for poverty.

NYP:  Shaq had son deliver ‘kill threat’

Hello, Shaq?  Isn’t just the implied presence of a 7’1″ 325-lb man with law enforcement authority in some jurisdictions enough to make people behave?

2:  Nelly Filming Music Video In Fenton

This is what you get in place of an automobile assembly line, Fenton.  Welcome to the New America.

Breitbart:  Gay Rights Protesters Handcuff Themselves to WH Fence

They were disappoined to find that the White House fence gave them no pleasure of any sort.

NYP:  Kal Penn robbed at gunpoint in DC

If the doers were black men who wanted money to buy both weed and bootleg Vicodin, then Penn would have looked up at the sky and heard God say, “Sorry Kal.  I’m all out of irony.”

Fox News:  Gig With White House Folks, Then Jail Time

How much you wanna bet this is the guy who jacked up Kal Penn?

UK Daily Mail:  Can Microsoft fix it? Software giant think they have solution to computer crashes

Again, it’s not the computer that’s crashing, it’s the crummy OS it’s running.

UK Daily Mail:  Barack Obama plays EIGHT times more golf than George W Bush… that’s 32 rounds since taking office

Leave the poor guy alone.  How else do you expect to have an established handicap unless you play a lot of golf?  Let me put it to you this way — Either he plays golf, or it’s in the Oval Office dreaming up another fucked-up plan to give the Yankee gubmint more power.  Which would you rather have?

CNS:  School Lunches Deemed A National Security Threat by Retired Military Officers

Judging from the oh-so-successful ways that the Yankee military has dealt with other “national security threats” of the recent past, my money on the way over-fatty over-salty mystery meat pizza slices.

Slate:  Why I Give My 9-Year-Old Pot

“Because I wanted him to wait.  All my neighbors started their kids in on pot when they were 7 or 8.”

P-D:  Madison Co. Transit will reduce express bus service to St. Louis

I move to Madison County, and the next day they make it harder to get back and forth to St. Louis City.  I don’t know whether to look up at the sky and bitch about irony, or laugh out loud.

P-D:  Woman locks self in McDonald’s restroom to escape abductors

She then realized she was surrounded by McDonald’s food, so she chose the lesser of two evils and rushed into the hands of her abuctors.

Chicago Tribune:  Weis: Computer-assisted team to combat summer crime

I’m betting there will be no slot on the data forms for race.  Either they don’t want to know, or it’s self-evident already.

Instapundit:  COULD THE U.S. become Argentina?

It is becoming Mexico, so yeah, anything’s possible.

Quincy (Ill.) News:  Obama Quincy visit in the works for next week

How much you wanna bet he won’t realize he once represented these people in the U.S. Senate until one of his staffers tells him on the AF1 trip on the way going there?

P-D:  Kicked out! Kickball league gets boot from Tower Grove Park

I once saw them play.  I knew their days in TGP were numbered when they were loading up the porta-showers for use after the game with kegs of beer.  I didn’t have to stick around to see that they’d all be naked in earnest.

2:  Rams Lineman Delivers Message to Teens

“Please, stay in school.  You’ll be amazed how far a diploma from the worst high school in the worst school district in Missouri will take you.”

CNS:  Muslim Group Warns of Possible Violence if ‘South Park’ Lampoons Prophet Muhammad

New strategery for the War on Terror:  We withdraw all troops from Iraq and Afghanistan, send all our cartoon artists to some obscure country whose name ends in “stan,” and attract all the jihadists there.  Then drop the Big Big Big Big one.  Good news?  No more jihadists.  Bad news?  No more funny cartoons.




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