Your Blogmeister’s Desk
Are we losing sight of the real true meaning of Christmas?
What I’m driving at is that I’m not at all liking how some people have been trying to make Christmas more spiritual in recent years. All this talk about Christ and Peace on Earth is taking away from the real traditions of Christmas, the ability of second-rate accessories stores at the mall to turn a profit. It’s not really the holiday season until BOTH Claire’s and Icing By Claire’s start posting quarterly profits.
I mean, just because some dude was born about 2,000 years ago whose name just happens to sound like “Christmas” isn’t grounds for religious fanatics to ruin a perfectly good commercial holiday. All he ever did was get himself croaked on some piece of wood, then a couple of people supposedly saw him running around a few days later then ascend to the sky. And I bet that was all Santa Claus’s doings, not his. Now, you want a real God to celebrate this time of year? You can’t beat a fat guy who wears a red suit who got domesticated caribou to fly, who gets midgets to work together peacefully, who turned an unstable polar ice shelf into a home, and is the most revered guy who only works one night a year in human history. Now that’s worthy of deification.
Look at all the commercial history of Christmas that threatens to get lost in all this religious psychobabble: The Ancient Egyptians had Pyramid City (“Three convenient locations in Giza”), which had so many loincloths for sale that they were literally stacked to the slanted ceilings. The Acropolis was really hopping in Ancient Greece: If you think Barnes & Noble is great today, then you should have seen Plato & Aristotle at the Mall of Acropolis back in the day — They couldn’t keep philosophy books on the shelves during the month of December. And, those mall concierges that wore silver plated helmets with upside down curved scrubbing brushes attached to the headplate were really helpful — Nice touch. But none of those could hold a candle to Pantheon in Ancient Rome, truly the Wal-Mart of its day. You could get anything and everything there: Season tickets to the chariot races and gladiator events, horses appointed as Senators, the bones of sacrificed religious fanatics, the same kind threatening to ruin our Christmas today, and I hear you could get very good deals on slightly fire-damaged fiddles. The only catch with the season tickets was this: The Christmas shopping season was also the free agent signing season, and it made for an unstable market in both the ticket and merchandising business if a superstar driver like Joshius Hamiltonius left the Blues to sign a multi-million denarius deal with the Whites.
If these Christ people want a holiday to take over, let ’em take over the Fourth of July. Yeah, it’s a nice commerical holiday, but it doesn’t have the commercial steam that Christmas has. The Fourth of July was established as a holiday in 10th Century China to commemorate the invention of fireworks, and it was only later that the market for grillable meat, grilling accessories and eventually, in the late 18th Century, curiously tri-colored cloth rectangles, came to be associated with it. Or, better yet, give ’em Easter — That’s a stupid holiday anyway, when people celebrate mammals that lay eggs, when everybody knows that mammals give live births.