Middleton Speaks to the National Press Club

21 06 2016

Washington, D.C.

It went something like this:

“First off, slavery.

Second, I hate all the white people in my state who didn’t like what all went down.  If it were up to me, I’d revoke their oxygen consumption privileges.  Unfortunately, I don’t have that power, yet.  And to make matters worse, these people are the constituents of the people who determine how much crucial state funding we get, that being the Missouri General Assembly.  That’s why I had to hire the son of one of my state’s U.S. Senators and his lobbying firm, give him and it enough money to bribe enough state legislators to make sure our state funding wasn’t cut that much if at all.  And with my state government’s non-existent ethics laws, I knew they’d come through.  But it’s also why I had to throw Melissa Clickbait to the wolves on Andy Blunt’s advice, because she was the sacrificial lamb that I had to throw away just so the legislators can go back to their pissed off knuckledragging honky constituents and claim they did something, so that those same knuckledragging honkys don’t notice that their Republican legislators didn’t much cut our budget.  It was her own fault for being so aggressive and public during the protests anyway.

Third, I’m so glad my school’s professors weaponized my black football players to run Tim Wolfe and his budget knife out of town, so I could be an interim college president for my LinkedIn and my CV.”




One response

21 06 2016
Joshua Sinistar

I hear ESPN is gonna celebrate the “courage” of the foolsball team from Mizzou for standing for the status quo. It sure does pay to be a system stooge right? I wonder how many empty slots they have this semester from all the White and foreign students that left? Can they make up that money from a dying tax base?

It's your dime, spill it. And also...NO TROLLS ALLOWED~!

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