Bittersweet Day.

16 10 2017

Guest post by Puggg

I made detective.

I found out today.  On National Boss’s Day, to lick boot.

Early this year, when I was figuring on whether I should make a try at detective or not, a certain someone told me that all the reasons I was giving myself for not doing it was just me being crazy in underestimating myself, and that what I really needed was better writing skills for writing my reports, and he could tutor me on that.  Really he’s been sort of my writing tutor for a few years, it’s just that when I threw myself into the process to making detective, I really had to put my pug nose to the grindstone when it comes to that.

And I think you know who this “certain someone” is.

Which is why today is bittersweet.

The thing which he helped me get, is the thing he’s in no condition to share in the glory of.

I know I’m not the star of this website, so I know who you’re really interested in, which means it’s time for more depressing news.

The first half of this the third month of recovery has been yet another bad period, and if it keeps up for the rest of the month, it’ll mean yet another bad month to go with last month.  The good news at least is that no hospitalizations, no going unconscious in any way events, no seizures.  The bad news is that the way this has been a bad first half of October is a different kind of bad than the kind of bad September was for him.  I would rather not say any more than that, even though the lawyer has given me permission to.  Because it’s something on the personal side.  If he’s ever in the right kind of condition, I think it should be up to him whether he wants to expound.

Which means I’m still dreading hearing my phone ring during odd hours of the late evening or in the middle of the night.  But for a different reason why I feared it last month, and again, because October bad is different than September’s bad.  But I can’t say that the doctors and therapists didn’t warn me that this would be a rough and long ride.

One of the ways that the way this has been a bad first half of the month for him has been saddening is that, as I keep up and manage his internet life as much as I can, I’ve come to find out that he’s made himself really useful to quite a few people. Just look at tutoring – He’s my writing tutor, but I also see that he is or has done tutoring in logic, algebra, calculus, politics and civics, ham radio, astronomy, accounting and finance, philosophy, history.  From what I see, there are at least five computers out there in the wild here in the metro area that he put together for other people, it looks like someone else bought all the parts and guts and innards, and he put it all together. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  I knew he had something of a wide range of interests just by hanging around here, but it wasn’t until I got a look at his online life, of the kind he doesn’t really talk about here, to know how wide.  I don’t see any evidence that he is or ever was interested in ballet or dance or art, but anything other than those, and he’s interested in it, somewhere between mildly and being a full blast nerd. Plain speaking, it’s not just true from me knowing him personally, I now see with my own eyes gazing over his online life some of which comes off of his real life that wherever he goes and whatever he does, he’ll find a way to make himself as useful as practically possible to quite the handful of people.  Earlier this year, he made the off hand remark to me that he was amazed that the thing he was doing for a living at the time, before he left it for the new business he started up, that thing was PR, was a thing he had almost no formal training in, but wound up being good at it anywho.

Which is why it pains me when I am told and I hear him say with my own ears in the last two weeks about how suicidal he is, how he wishes he would have never been born, how he wishes the hit would have killed him right then and there, how he despairs that nobody in the world really needs him, or how he’s going to spend the rest of his life being a useless vegetable.  It’s sad because it’s not him, it’s just a matter of a malfunctioning brain, a brain that may never function right ever again.  I really do hope that at some level he realizes that his despair is just a matter of a malfunctioning brain so he has something of a built in block against trying to do any of this for real, but I can’t get a clear enough read from him eye to eye to know whether or not this is true.  The doctors can’t answer that question definitely, either.  They can only remind me, and the uncle, of the same thing they’ve said for months, that we can’t let ourselves put too much positive stock into improvement trends and we can’t put too much negative stock into the desperate times (like now), because it’s probably going to be a lot of quick and severe switch ups back and forth until about a year into recovery, maybe more.  In the meantime, considering the current bad weather, where we’re secretly hiding him out as part of Operation Keep Away, the instruments which would allow him to do that to himself most easily are hidden away, but I also know that anyone who wants to do that to themselves bad enough can find a hundred ways to do it.

If he wasn’t this way in the first half of this month, if he was now the way he was back in August, I’d have no problem either bringing him myself or having his uncle bring him to my promotion party later this week, even if he wouldn’t fully enjoy, or appreciate, or even understand it.  But now, with all this going on, it would be a scene, a debacle.

All it means is that during the party, I’ll have to do enough celebrating for the both of us.




19 responses

16 10 2017

Aww…this makes me cry :(. I’m sorry to hear but I will keep him and You in my thoughts and prayers. You do a good job with the blogs by the way and thank you for keeping updates. I pray that his suicidal thoughts subside.
Congratulations on your promotion! That is wonderful news for you. My cousin is an officer and he would like to be a detective but his boss doesn’t like him and won’t transfer him to a different city. I don’t know specifics. He works midnight shifts which is rough because he has 2 young daughters and his wife has to keep them quiet through the day. We schedule many playdates so she can get out of the house and the kids can be noisy.
Anyway, we don’t always know why these things happen and we may not know this side of heaven. I will continue prayers for him!


16 10 2017

Law enforcement agencies are really political when it comes to who gets promotions, plum work, who doesn’t, how far you get to rise, or not. I had the good fortune of a really good political event happening in my agency several years back, which really opened up the skies for me. I can’t say really any more than that.

16 10 2017

I understand! It seems that way almost everywhere you work now days.

16 10 2017

Congratulations Pugg!

16 10 2017

I also saw today that S.B.P.D.L. has roared back to life.

Also makes this day bittersweet.

16 10 2017
robert kramer

Congrads on promotion. Praying for our friend.

16 10 2017
Nicholas Stix

Your title was no joke. “Bittersweet” is the word.


For what it’s worth, you both appear (from 1,000 miles away) to be very fortunate to have each other for friends.

16 10 2017

You know, when we exchanged our important internet account usernames and passwords awhile back, our normal host and I, I always thought that it would be that I’d be the one dying too young or being badly hurt, so bad as to be a vegetable for a long time, and he’d be the one having to keep up my internet life. Because sometimes, when people don’t want to get arrested, they’ll do really naughty things.

So what happens? He’s the one it happens to, and I’m the one having to keep things tidy.

16 10 2017

Congrats on the promotion :) Sorry to hear about our host. I’m not a doctor although I did stay at a holiday inn express. Folks need to keep an eye on depression because sometimes it gets suicidal and that can be one thing somebody clinically depressed can succeed at. Often people think clinical depression is a mental disorder when it’s a *physical* disorder that manifests itself in particular behaviors. That physical disorder relates to insufficient levels of serotonin which is the body’s way of maintaining a “natural high”. The body has a mechanism to regulate serotonin and when that mechanism is out of whack, the body reabsorbs too much and that can result in depression. This is measurable with lab instruments so it is in fact, a *physical* disorder. With some people, the condition self-corrects, sometimes it doesn’t and people kill themselves. It can be treated with serotonin re-uptake inhibitors like Zoloft for example. There are others out there but Zoloft has the fewest internet horror stories. I wouldn’t be put off by the idea of SRI’s like Zoloft (as opposed to Paxil for example or the other one they very often dump on certifiable lunatics who proceed to shoot up schoolyards). I have read about serotonin levels being checked with blood work IIRC so assuming nobody has already suggested this, you might pass that along. SRI’s don’t “buzz” people out and can be the difference between life and death if clinical depression is really the problem.

16 10 2017
Original Laura

Congratulations, Detective Puggg!

I am praying for our host’s recovery.

16 10 2017

Lord have Mercy on Blog meister

16 10 2017
Alex the Goon

Have you guys considered giving him a pet to care for, or some kind of other job, to give him a remedial “purpose” in life? If he’s having thoughts like that, he needs to get outside his own head.
God, I hate to hear this.

17 10 2017

Where he is, pets are not a problem, and really, light chores are not a problem.

Another thing the doctors keep telling us is that when it comes to brain damage and brain injury, and recovering from it, if and when, the brain is gonna do what the brain is gonna do, you really can’t help it along.

19 10 2017
Dr Duke

Congrats on your promotion.
Is there anything we can do for our regular host other than pray?
I feel like I owe him a lot.
I can’t say much in public but I have some tiny idea of what he is going through and it’s a real bitch.

19 10 2017

I wish there was, but we can’t seem to do anything about human brains repairing themselves faster.

20 10 2017
Alright Dan

Our normal blogmeister calls this Dynamo of Bell Curve City

21 10 2017

Congratulations Detective Puggg! You are a hero for helping our blogmeister in his time of need. I pray that he will get out of his depression and eventually return someday.

25 10 2017
25 10 2017

This story in particular, no, this is the first I’m seeing it. But I do see he was in my line of work for a long time, and the grapevine among us for awhile is something that really hit home because of all of what we’re dealing with, that the laws on texting and driving in the state are pretty much a joke.

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