With Some Yuge Caveats

13 11 2017

Your Blogmeister’s Secret Hideout

We’ve got a lot of ground to cover here, so get yourself a snack and drink. Because I’m about to tell you what life has been like for your blogmeister for the last four months and at the present.  To the extent that Norm hasn’t already told you. Spoiler alert: Exceedingly little fun, too much misery.

First off, I know I’m going to see a lot of Welcome Back messages here in the comments. The problem is that I don’t think I’ll off top recognize many of you at least by your screen names. I do feel like I’m recovering, but I also feel like I’m nowhere near all the way back. A lot of my memory has now come back online, but there’s still a lot that’s still offline. It’s still an open question on how well I’ll recover, what will be my ceiling or my plateau. I could come all the way back, or I could get a little better but peak out at some level below where I was before the fact. Or I might be all I’ll ever be for the rest of my life right now. Or I might take a few steps down and my ultimate post-“accident” plateau is underneath me. Or, there’s a worse option, as you’ll read below.

Second, I’ve gone through enough ebbs and flows all these months to know that I could still crater through the floor, that my recent and sudden improvement could spin back around in the wrong direction. Or I could just slowly drift downhill before resuming recovery. That said, don’t get rid of those guest posts by Puggg just yet. As for the long term prospects when it comes to your “normal host” and this medium, if I do get back to my old self, it’ll be quite some time. And “if” is a mighty big word for only being two letters. It may never be the case that I can resume the same kind of quality and quantity of writing and posting here that you all are used to, or it may take me a long time to start doing it again. I just don’t know. The agonizing amount of time, the zig-zag instability, and the long term uncertainty, are by far the three most maddening characteristics of my post-“accident” existence. The concept of patience for me is an acquired taste rather than a natural habit, and I have to summon every drop of it I can muster during this saga.

Third, and this is rather painful to type, but I’m still not out of the woods for the worst. The guys and gals with advanced degrees in medicine and especially the relevant specialties give me the educated guess that I still have anywhere between a 0.1% and 1% chance of dying from this. Imagine you’re given a bowl of 100 grapes, and you’re told that one of them is lethally poisonous, while the other 99 are just ordinary grapes. You know you’d just pass on the bowl. You’d probably pass if the bowl had 1,000 grapes with one lethal. Such are my odds. Problem is that I don’t have the option of passing on the bowl; with me, down the hatch with the grape. The only slight good news about that is that while I’d like to think I cheated death through all this several times, what I really cheated more than death is that I cheated persistent vegetative state, because with the way the collision panned out, I was way more likely to wind up in a PVS than die. The good news is that I’m all but certain not to end up in a PVS now, because if I sink that far from where I am now, I’ll sink all the way down to death. Better news related to all this is that I’m at the tail end of the optimal age range of the prospects of recovery (“–“) provided something like this happens and ceteris paribus: The age range of 25 to 40. You don’t want this to happen to a little kid because his brain is still developing, and you don’t want this to happen to elderly people because nothing of them recovers like it used to. The sweet spot is 25-40, 25 being when one’s brain fully sets and hard wires, and after 40 in a normal cycle, degeneration noticeably starts to set in.

Fourth, I still can’t trust myself upright on two feet for an extended period of time, which means my wheelchair is still my shadow. Even though I’m improving in that regard. Beyond that, I haven’t had any seizures or unconsciousness events since the last time I had any one of them. Yet and still, my hand-eye or brain-motor coordination has a long way to go. It will be a long time before I can drive my car or any car – I have to get past the seizure-coma-unconsciousness-vertigo risk, and once I jump over that hurdle, there’s still the matter of my brain-motor coordination being inconsistent. And if I can’t drive, then surely I can’t golf, which I now remember I do, because golf requires such a fine and precise finesse level of brain-motor coordination. One of my interests which has lied somewhere in between pure hobby and semi-professional concern in my life is spinning vinyl (DJing), and that’s not as complicated from a brain-motor coordination sense as is driving, which in turn is easier than golf. Which means I actually have a three-pronged self-diagnostic acid test in front of me to gauge how well I’ll ultimately recover.  Keep in mind that my prospects of cognitive recovery and my prospects of brain-motor coordination recovery are two separate lanes, and that in both spheres, through the last handful of months, I’ve had varying levels of progress and regress in both areas discretely, (for instance, I was in much better brain-motor shape than cognitive shape in August, whereas right now it’s the opposite), that trend will most likely continue, and my ultimate plateau of what will eventually amount to full recovery for me may well involve cognitive and brain-motor abilities being vastly different.

Fifth, the doctors were right on the money with their theory that I had vertigo all along but only got the mental moxie to complain about it long after I started suffering from it. That’s improving, too, and I’m down to about once every five days of vertigo presenting.

Sixth, you read here from Norm the relay of my complaint that thinking too much causes me physical pain. It still does, but it’s subsiding, for now. In fact, today is the second day in a row where that hasn’t been the case at all, and this is my first two-day winning streak in that regard during my recovery. Which is one of the reasons why I want to get this written, before it sets in again, and it probably will. There hardly is a part of me that hasn’t hurt or caused me physical pain for some noticeable length of time since the “accident,” (the only two parts that haven’t are my [double] earlobes and my dick), and while some of those pains are still on-again off-again present, they’re on the wane, in terms of both presentation and severity.

Seventh, I also see that Norm relayed my relatively poor memory retention skills during the dark days of my recovery thus far. In spite of that, yes, I’ve been paying attention to the crucial news items, and anticipating my own limitations, I scribbled some personal notes on paper and saved some URLs to be able to remind myself of a few things later on presuming the partial or full restoration of my cognitive skills, and I have some unique angles on some of the big ticket news items that occurred during my involuntary sojourn. It would be too much of a project to start this evening, because it would take me awhile to write all that I want to, and if I started now, I’d be late for my appointment with the sandman. If I can soon string together another winning streak of pain-free thinking days, or if my current streak continues, I’ll translate all my scribbling and notes to myself into somewhat coherent blog posts.

Eighth, speaking of beds and sleeping, I also read here that Norm relayed my nightmares and flashbacks and PTSD-style symptoms. Those I will probably have with me for the rest of my life, though the nightmares about the impact are now down to about once every three nights, and as far as both the nightmares while sleeping and flashbacks while awake, I’ve conditioned my mind to disregard them as purely an imaginary artifact. When the nightmare comes, I’m in a lucid state, so I’m no longer panicking with a rapid heart rate when I wake up. If it’s a wide awake flashback, then I force my mind to think about something else.

Ninth, I’m also in no condition to resume my startup, and in fact, the “accident” happened two weeks to the day of my getting it off the ground at least on paper. If I continue progressing and get back at or close to where I was in fairly short order, I’ll probably be able to go back to it, as my lawyer (et al.) have been able to keep it above water level and my personal financial life that way, too. However, my startup is of the sort where it can’t wait around forever, or for that much longer, and, as the lawyer and I discussed this afternoon on the phone, if I can’t soon return, then I’m going to have to cash in my chips, and have him see if there’s at least a market for my IP and concepts, and use the proceeds to make the creditors happy. One very disappointing irony is that, as I see that Norm told you, the “accident” scene was at a networking supper, and I can add that the main reason I was there was to try to talk some guys who were there to leave their current gigs so I can hire them into my startup. I don’t remember any of them sounding that enthusiastic about my offer, but as some of them saw only a short time later that evening transpire in front of their eyes, all those concerns became moot.

Tenth, as for this Operation Keep Away, Norm appraised me on the back stories, and like I told him earlier today on the phone, and I’m telling you all now, I don’t think that either one of the two situations that caused he and my uncle and my lawyer to hide me out after the mid-September hospitalization stint were such that I was in any real threat of bodily harm. One of the situations is something I already knew about but largely blew off and didn’t think it was anything more than a trifle and inconsequential internet gossip, and he didn’t have to concern himself with it, even though it appears that it worked out well that he did. The second situation is something that, as it turns out, was happening entirely behind my back, was happening for quite some time, and worse than that, the malicious and blatantly untrue gossip somehow made its way to my professional life and networking circles, also totally behind my back, and in fact, it took the occasion of my incapacity to draw it out into the open almost by pure accident, where, again, Norm, my lawyer, et al. handled it well. It was the more serious of the two situations by far, and the one that needed attention and redress way more than the other if only one could have been addressed. Maybe one day I’ll tell you the rest of the story. I will give you a hint that since I just wrote that both Norm and my lawyer handled it, it was a situation where the above board official legal system was needed in some way to rectify it. Also, one of the guilty parties is someone I’ve known for more than 20 years, someone who is probably reading these words, and in true “Et Tu Brute” fashion, is someone I would have never guessed would have stooped so low, even though on one level, I shouldn’t have been at all surprised. Nevertheless, as serious as the second situation was, I don’t think it was a matter that meant that anyone was out for a pound of my flesh.  (Even after quite a bit of weight loss during my involuntary sojourn, I still have quite a few pounds of flesh to give.  In reality, all that weight was one of the marginal differences between the collision killing me instantly and not, but that’s for another day.) And I really didn’t need to be smuggled to a secret hideout, though once again, that all worked out for the best, for personal and family reasons. But it does mean that there are quite a few people I’m going to avoid like the plague going forward. Actually, this whole “accident” and the involuntary sojourn it caused and what it in turn caused to bubble up to the surface has given me the perfect opportunity here at about the halftime of my life to hit the reset button on life and separate myself from a lot of the fuckery that was an on-and-off feature of my life’s second quarter.

Eleventh, to the newly freshly minted detective in a certain law enforcement agency in the St. Louis metropolitan area reading this, wasn’t I right about not selling yourself short and not underestimating yourself? I was also right about the “they don’t let you make any real money until you’re 40” part, note the (now) three significant promotions you have gotten since you turned 40. Mostly what you needed was some tutoring on writing and composition. Be mindful of the fact that as much as you have improved, I remember that I still thought you needed some work. But it will probably be awhile before I’ll be able to resume boot camp.

Twelfth, I will eventually explain my mensis horribilis of most of October, but not now.

Netting it all out:  Unconsciousness, comatose state, vertigo, thinking causes physical pain, falling down, just about everything hurts on and off, and at least one thing hurts on me almost all the time, nightmares, flashbacks, abnormal vomiting, mental lethargy, apathy and insouciance, unpredictable and uneven motor control, wheelchairs, degraded mental retention, degraded reaction time, spotty memory restoration, massive uncertainty about my medical and professional future, I don’t even know what sex is anymore, (I might have to be given “the talk” again), half again more gray hair than I had on July 19, interpersonal treachery, and the frightening realization that there’s not a single person in this world who truly needs me and who will be substantively worse off if this thing winds up killing me.  Other than that, I’m doing just peachy.  Those were my prizes for this thing not killing me instantly and not sending me into a PVS.  Since I got to see a total solar eclipse on top of all that, I think I came through ahead on the deal.

I think I’ll stop there, because I’m running out of ordinal numbers, and I think I have all the days of Christmas accounted for. Christmas, speaking of, we’re just about on it. Man, I tell ya, that hit knocked me clear into the next season. I went from smelling residual fireworks smoke to seeing Christmas trees, in the snap of a finger.




7 responses

13 11 2017

Great read and you sound great…all rotten things bestowed upon you aside. I admit I haven’t been stopping by daily as had been my wont, but I will start to again, even if you aren’t up to doing much posting…I’ll peek my head in daily, just to see. It’s a Festivus miracle!

13 11 2017

Now you know it wasn’t so much me turning 40 as it was a certain kind of political circumstance opening up the skies for me that got me these 3 promotions in pretty quick order.

13 11 2017

I am one of the more vulgar commenters here, but I frequent this site every other day. If not already done, please look into remuneration from the tort feasor’s insurance company.

14 11 2017

One day at a time, dude, one day at a time :)

15 11 2017

I need to add something here I should have written in the post itself.

My ambulatory problems didn’t present until after Labor Day. For the entirety of the first month after I got out of the hospital the first time, the whole month of August, and then on into the start of September, I had absolutely no problems on two feet, even if I was mostly mentally out of it. The work week after Labor Day, I had a mysterious fall, which, from later events, was indeed a symptom of the TBI. After my mid-September hospitalization, and since I got out after then, my ability to stay upright on two feet have generally been worse, even though I’ve improved some since the beginning of November.

15 11 2017
Pinned Post (Newer Content Follows Below) | Countenance Blog

[…] With Some Yuge Caveats — A long and detailed run down of my condition and my near term prospects, posted not long after […]

18 11 2017
Hard Right

Other than that, I’m doing just peachy.

You really are back :)

It's your dime, spill it. And also...NO TROLLS ALLOWED~!

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