How the German Media Would React to News of the End of the World

2 07 2019

Your Blogmeister’s German Desk

The old American joke is that, on the day before Armageddon, the WaPo headline would be “WORLD TO END:  WOMEN AND CHILDREN HARDEST HIT,” while the WSJ would be:  “WORLD TO END:  MARKETS TO CLOSE EARLY TODAY.”

Here’s how I think various German media sources would react.

FRANKFURTER ALLGEMEINE ZEITUNG:  “Armageddon Causes More Delays in Airport Construction and Expansion in Frankfurt, Berlin”

KÖLNER STADT-ANZEIGER:  “Bayer Unable to Formulate Anti-Armageddon Product”

DER SPIEGEL:  (15,000-word long form about corporate and political corruption that occurred as a consequence of Germans worrying about the world ending)

DER BILD:  (No more than 500 words and written at a Kindergarten reading level)

DIE WELT:  “Trump, Other Foreign Leaders, React to World’s End”

DEUTSCHE WELLE:  “A Condensed History of Human Civilization”

RTL:  (Accelerates the next season of “Deutschland Sucht Den Superstar” [The German equivalent of “American Idol”] so that the winner is announced before Armageddon)

SÜDDEUTSCHE ZEITUNG:  “Next Oktoberfest Delayed Due to World Ending”

MÜNCHNER MERKUR:  “BMW Forced to Retool For Post-Armageddon Car Market”

NEUES DEUTSCHLAND:  “World Ending Discourages Refugee Resettlement”

BADISCHE NEUESTE NACHRICHTEN:  “Supreme Court Finds Armageddon Unconstitutional”

JUNGE WELT:  “Right-Wing Extremists Use World Ending to Push a Fascist Agenda”

CATO:  “Is the World Really Ending Tomorrow?”




One response

18 07 2019

NYT title should read: “World to End: Women and Minorities Hit the Hardest”

It's your dime, spill it. And also...NO TROLLS ALLOWED~!

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