Fun With Headlines, Local Crime Stack Edition

14 05 2017

It’s been about a year of Sundays since I’ve done a Fun With Headlines.  Since I’ve tagged them all with the “Fun With Headlines” tag, I see that September 2012 was the last time I did one.  Then again, I was rather involved in the fall of 2012.

4:  19 shot in wave of violence since Saturday in St. Louis

How many would be shot in wave of nonviolence?

P-D:  St. Louis robbery victim pulls gun, shoots robber in buttocks

Shot in the ass, and he’s to blame.

2:  Bicyclist critically injured in drive-by shooting

Oh for it to be a bike-by shooting, just to complete the irony circle.

4:  Man charged in St. Louis-area crime spree that ended in him being shot

Getting shot does seem to stop crime sprees.

2:  ‘Motor Scooter Bandit’ committing armed robberies in south county – Police

They better catch him before he pulls a motor scooter-by shooting.

2:  Bystander wounded by stray bullet; police looking for intended victims

After that, they better go and arrest that bullet.

4:  2 men charged in fatal North County shooting arrested in Tennessee

Cops in Tennessee saw they were wanted on St. Louis County, Missouri warrants, and Tennesseein’ was Tennbelievin’.

4:  Man gets 30 years in prison for hammer attack

Ferguson, one year before Ferguson became Ferguson.

Fun With Sunday Headlines

30 09 2012

Breitbart:  Bill Clinton: The American People Are Easily Confused

I can prove that:  They elected some moral reprobate from Arkansas President.  Twice.

Mediaite:  Chris Matthews And Panel Wonder Why No One Sees All The Racism Directed At Obama

As the typical George Noory guest wonders why nobody sees all the alien space goobers from Fezeliginibaluten 5 coming down to kidnap them and shove probes up their asses.

MOPNS:  Herman Cain Coming to St. Louis & Kansas City for FREE Breakfast Event

Offer free breakfast, and a black man shows up.  I’m shocked.

Washington Examiner:  Biden promotes free colonoscopies to seniors in Florida

Now that would motivate me to get to the polls.  “They’ll have to take away my free colonoscopies out of my cold dead ass.”

Fun With Saturday Headlines

22 09 2012

io9:  Scientists make monkeys smarter using brain implants. Could you be next?

Great, another group of beings that we have to let our daughters marry for the sake of civil rights.

Slashdot:  Chicago Teachers Rip ‘Big Money Interest Groups’

Like teachers unions?

Weekly Standard:  Biden: ‘I’m a Good Vice President’

Considering that the office isn’t worth a warm bucket of spit, he is a good one.

Newsbusters:  Propaganda Update: TV Networks Will Be Asked to Boost ObamaCare In Plots of Their Top Shows

Yep, I was getting ready to watch these unwatchable shows, and now that I know that they’re going to push ObamaCare, that and that alone will make me turn them off.

CNS:  Obama: If GOP Wants Me ‘To Walk the Dog or Wash Their Car, I’m Happy to Do It’

Bill Clinton would be happy if you carried his bags.

Yahoo Sports:  Drake says John Calipari inspired him to finish high school

Yep, the coach best know for one and done basketball players.

BBC:  Middle age begins at 55 years, survey suggests


Malkin:  Blunderstudy: Ted Olson to play part of Joe Biden during Paul Ryan’s debate prep

No prep needed.  He’s debating Joe Biden.  That’s like a bye week in football.

Radar Online:  SHOCKING AUDIO: Paris Hilton Blasts Gays Who Have Sex With Strangers: ‘Most Of Them Probably Have AIDS’

I wouldn’t have wanted to been anywhere near Perez Hilton this past week.

Perez Hilton (speaking of):  Chris Brown App Allows Users To ‘Brownout’ His Name From Their Google Chrome Browser

When can we get this app for Barack Obama?

Gateway Pundit:  Ouch!… Student Asks Obama How to Find a Job – He Can’t Answer, Tells Her It’s Been Tough (Video)

Asking a man who never really had a real for profit private sector job how to land one?  You’ve got to be kidding me.

Fun With Sunday Headlines

9 09 2012

Slashdot:  Social Robots May Gain Legal Rights, Says MIT Researcher

Oh great, another thing which will have more rights than white people.

UK Sun:  Prince Harry returns to fight in Afghanistan

This time, as the Brits would say, with kit.

New Scientist:  Smart carpet detects falls and strange footsteps

Cool, but I’m not opening my wallet until they can vacuum themselves.

WCBS-2 NYC:  N.J. Town Overrun With Anti-Semitic Graffiti, Other Messages Of Hate

I have two possible suspects in mind:  Muslims or Jews.

Politico:  We’re not spying on you, DOD assures journos

I wish they’d start spying on blogs more often, and by “blogs,” I mean mine.

Yahoo Sports:  D.C.’s fascination with Redskins rookie QB Robert Griffin III not all about race

It won’t be until he earns the nickname “R.G. 3-and-out.”

Fun With Queued-Up Headlines

9 08 2012

CNS:  Obama: Hire New Teachers So They Can Eat at Restaurants

Teachers:  Go to Chick-Fil-A.

AP:  Pesky bug situation at Olympic Stadium in London

Don’t worry, they’re not pesky.  “Anti-racist is code for anti-white” will grow on you.

FNC:  Obama Complains that Michelle Doesn’t Make Money As First Lady

Because nobody elected her to anything, dillweed.

Smoking Gun:  Sunburned Butt Slap Leads To Beau’s Stabbing

Baby got back, but also a knife.

Fun With Sunday Headlines

5 08 2012

5:  Monroe County (Indiana) Nudist Campground members upset with idea of highway extension

Ironically, it will be Interstate 69.

AP:  Clinton warns Kenya on repeat of 2007 vote chaos

Violence in black Africa.  Intolerable.

Yahoo:  China’s Dong Dong flips and twists to trampoline gold

Orientals state their family name first.  Imagine what it would be like if his family’s name was Ding.

CNS:  Under HHS Rules, Obamacare Caters to Sexually Active Women Who Take Risks

Maybe I should go to the DNC in Charlotte, if the house is going to be full of those kind of women.

CNS:  Napolitano: Terrorists Enter U.S. from Mexico ‘From Time to Time’

What’s a few terrorists now and then — Look at all the diversity we gain.

UK Telegraph:  What’s wrong with America having Anglo-Saxon heritage?

A lot, if you think that bone-in-the-nose mud hut cultures are equal to the Occidental world.

Fun With Sunday Headlines About Mondays

29 07 2012

NYT:  Republican Party in California Is Caught in Cycle of Decline

Get used to it, California GOP.  You made your own bed, now you must sleep in it.  Coming soon:  The whole country.

Russia Today:  NSA whistleblowers: Government spying on every single American

Do you have any idea how impossible that is?  A third of the people in this country would have to be working for the NSA to make that possible.

CBS Detroit:  Police: Nude Teen, Apparently On LSD, Attacks Car

I keep thinking about the saying, “let sleeping dogs lie.”

Yahoo Sports:  Niger rower’s painfully slow finish draws questions about his Olympic merit

OTOH, not letting him in would have been racism.  Be careful in pronouncing his country’s name.

Weekly Standard:  Obama Thanks ‘Gay-Porn Kingpin’

I would have no idea why.  (Snicker, snicker, laugh laugh)

Daily Mail:  Former Miss Nevada ‘forced out of bed naked by armed cops after they kick down her door… in raid on WRONG apartment’

Well, the whole world now knows she’s a nude sleeper.

Fun With Sunday Headlines

22 07 2012

AP:  Obama: DC ‘feels as broken as it did 4 years ago’

“Therefore, re-elect the man who couldn’t fix it.”

CNN:  Navy’s new gender-neutral carriers won’t have urinals

Probably because they won’t have any men.

Examiner:  Media silent as Obama tells fainting supporters to get help from ‘paralegals’

Freudian slip, no doubt, from the man whose party is in bed with the class action shysters.

KCBS-5 San Francisco:  Man Claims ‘World’s Largest Penis’ Got Him Frisked At SFO

Feh.  Every guy will use that excuse.

2:  Actress Jada Pinkett Smith Testifies On Capitol Hill Against Human Trafficking

Yeah, don’t you just hate it when old people exploit young people for profit…cough cough, Jaden Smith, cough cough, Willow Smith, cough cough…

CNS:  Hoyer: Food Stamps, Unemployment Insurance 2 ‘Most Stimulative’ Things for Economy

Let’s all quit our jobs and get on the dole so we can get this economy moving again.

WRTV-ABC-6 Indianapolis:  Free Health Exams For Hoosiers Start Thursday

I’m laughing.  I guess you know why.

Reuters:  City of Compton may declare bankruptcy by September: officials

How did Compton manage to go all these years without declaring bankruptcy?

5:  Kobe Bryant: Revoke my citizenship if Team USA doesn’t win basketball gold medal

This headline is eight words too long.  And also, go Spain.

BND:  Ill. prison guards describe violence, predict more

A place full of violent people is violent?  Schucks, Mabel.

AP:  US pledge to rebuild Haiti not being met

I would ordinarily call this a feature not a bug, but rickshaws cram jammed with Haitians on their way to Miami make me think differently.

Midweek Headline Fun

11 07 2012

The Blaze:  ‘I’m Here to F**k You Up!’: Fists Fly as Adults Brawl in Epic Showdown at GA Little League Game

I went to see a fight, and a little league baseball game broke out.

Twitchy:  Nicki Minaj accuses TSA ‘perv’ of fondling her

Yep, you’re not seeing things.  Nicki Minaj just called someone else a “perv.”

Politico:  Frank: GOP mostly ignored my wedding

Too bad we can’t ignore him in general.

5:  Neiman Marcus and Target will offer collection including fashion, sporting goods in time for Christmas

Needless Markup and Tar-Gay are getting together.  Whatever it is, I expect it to fly off the shelves this Christmas in our roaring economy.

Politico:  Jesse Jackson: Tax cuts up to $1M

I guess Jesse Jackson is going to make exactly a million this year, that one-percenter him.

Reuters:  Bankrupt Alabama county asks for second look at lawyer fees

Jefferson County, Alabama is so broke that it can’t afford to go bankrupt.

FNC:  Closure of Border Patrol stations across four states triggers alarm

No need for concern.  That’s just Obama campaigning for re-election.

C-Trib:  Emanuel wants to make Chicago more immigrant-friendly

If Chicago were any more immigrant friendly, it would literally be Mexico.

I’m Declaring My Independence With Headlines

5 07 2012

BND:  GOP opponent says [Jesse] Jackson [Jr] owes public explanation

IL-2 is CPVI D+36, so he doesn’t.

5:  Apple to release mini-iPad this fall, report says

iPhones without the “Phone.”  Get ’em while they’re hot (or before people realize that the iCabal has taken them for saps yet again).

Miami Herald:  Lawsuit: Former Miccosukee chief stole millions from tribe

Whether he stole from his own tribe or that other tribe, he’s in heap big doo.

BBC:  No evidence of mermaids, says US government

They were actually investigating and spending money.  Seriously?

Breitbart:  Bloomberg Exclaims During Speech: ‘Who Wrote This Sh*t?’

The question on my mind:  Who elected this Sh*t?

Today:  Singer Adele expecting first child

I’m happy that her love life is back in order.  After all, she is coming off a bad breakup.

Daily Mail:  Aping human behaviour: Chimp turns into chain-smoking, beer-swilling chump at zoo

Now all he needs to do is start ooking and eeking to a bassline and some semblance of melody.  Record it and put it in the hip-hop section of iToonz.

Fun With Post Business Trip Headlines

23 06 2012

Daily Mail:  Way to amp up the Bieber Fever! Justin shows off some muscle in topless shots during fly-on-the-wall documentary

On Thursday morning, SCOTUS strikes down the FCC’s indecency rules.  On Thursday evening, Justin Bieber is shirtless on NBC.  Coincidence?

AP:  Court throws out FCC penalties for cursing, nudity

Coming this fall to CBS:  Two Naked Cursing Broke Girls

CBS Seattle:  Seattle To Allow Breast Cancer Survivor To Swim Topless At City Pool

Hey, now that SCOTUS has spoken, this station can show it on their local news.

CBS Dallas:  Rangers Broadcaster Barnett OK After Bizarre On-Air Moment

You say bizarre, I say drunk.  It’s just a matter of semantics.  (See also:  Mike Shannon)

5:  Residents near nude beach getting eyeful after fence washes away

I see naked people in public who have no business being naked in public.  I also see my property values plunge by half.

AFP:  Thousands of yoga fans take over Times Square

Thousands of people stretch in public.  Feh.

FNC:  EXCLUSIVE: Biden’s brawlers: Veep’s security team squared off in Nantucket melee

It’s Nantucket.  It wasn’t a melee, it was a group orgy involving women.  Think this through…

5:  Dave Spence finishes tour of Missouri counties

If you ever have to do this, remember that the most worthless one is named Worth.

This Headline Would Still Be True If the St. Louis Post-Dispatch Published It

21 06 2012

Indianapolis Star:  Hoosiers pay the least for vehicle repairs

You have to be a St. Louisan to grok the punchline.

Fun With Sunday Headlines

17 06 2012

C-Trib:  McCarthy: On crime, ‘We’re having a perception issue’

I would call it a reality issue, but I’m not qualified to be an urban police chief.

CNS:  92% Want Obama Reelected–in France

Do the French really hate us that much?

Fox Nation:  ID Required At Obama Speech But Not To Vote

Sure, because Obama needs to be both secure physically AND re-elected.

CNS:  Obama to Celebrities: ‘You’re the Ultimate Arbiter of Which Direction This Country Goes’

Sure, he’ll tell them anything as long as they fork over $40,000 for a plate of food.  He would call child molesters the paragon of virtue if they gave him money.

Reuters:  Canada, Michigan announce new Detroit-Windsor bridge

Canada, you’ve got a pretty good thing going.  Don’t fuck it up by creating another link to Detroit.

ABC:  Romney: Obama should’ve been a governor before president

That way, he would have screwed up only one state instead of all 57.

Fun With Sunday Headlines

10 06 2012

AP:  No joke: Bill Maher buys minority share of Mets

I’d love to con him into thinking that he just bought a minority.

CNS:  Gov’t Dishes Out Advice on Preparing Healthy Meals: Always Use Bowls or Plates

Yes, get with the 17th Century.

Barone:  America looks like Texas, not like California

We’ll be choked, not poisoned.

5:  US official: Al-Qaida No. 2 leader killed by US drone

I think we finally knocked off all the AQ #3s available, so now we’re finally moving on to the #2s.

Politico:  Bill Clinton out of control on 2012

What did you think would happen when you turned him loose in a strip club with an unlimited credit card?

NYDN:  California mom lathered daughter up in Vaseline, encouraged her to fight: report

“Fight” was the surprising word to me, because Vaseline makes me think of something else.

KYW-CBS-3 Philly:  Study Finds More Teens Smoking Pot Than Cigarettes

To some people, this is mission accomplished.

Providence (R.I.) Journal:  Occupy Providence demonstrates outside Netroots convention

Oh boy, cannibalism without the crime.

Fun With Sunday Headlines

3 06 2012

Breitbart:  Obama’s ‘Favorite Professor’: Poor and Minorities Receive ‘Little Benefit’ from America

Kenya’s that way.

NYT:  Dewey & LeBoeuf Files for Bankruptcy

Dewey, Cheatham & Howe can’t be far behind.

The Blaze:  Allah Will ‘Bring Down’ America’s Skyscrapers: Horrific New Farrakhan Audio Praising Sharia Law and Threatening ‘Death’ Unless ‘America Submits’

After re-watching some of those “Life After (White) People” documentaries, I don’t think it’ll take Allah.  Just ABRA and a whole lot of time.

Media Bistro:  Rachel Maddow: ‘The less you talk about the election, the more your ratings go up’

In MSNBC’s case, they pick up a second viewer.

San Jose Mercury-News:  ‘Family Feud’ host Richard Dawson dies at 79

He’s gone to that great kissing booth in the sky.

CBS Seattle:  Police: Idaho Burglar Falls Asleep Hotwiring Honda Accord

Most people fall asleep driving a Honda Accord or shopping for a Honda Accord or making their payments on a Honda Accord, realizing all their childhood dreams are up in smoke because they now have a job which only affords them a Honda Accord.  (See also:  Ford Focus)

Midweek Headline Fun

23 05 2012

2:  Contact 2: Microsoft Scam

Don’t bother.  You had me at “Microsoft.”

Washington Examiner:  San Francisco to rename street after Pelosi

Ignore the map.  You’ll have to drive on it to find out where it is.

Weekly Standard:  WaPo Attacks Romney for ‘Mormon Militia’ Action 150 Years Ago

Several mysteriously dead homosexual members of TUCC five years ago?  Not interested.

My Fox DC:  British man crushed to death lifting weights after drinking session

I guess friends don’t let friends lift drunk.

5:  Jonee Matthews finds friendship in footless chicken

Footless chickens will take any friends they can get.  Otherwise, it’s death by cat or wolf.

Fun With Midweek Headline Humps

16 05 2012

The Atlantic:  Barack Obama: Our First Gay-Female-Hispanic-Asian-Jewish President

That means Bill Clinton still has the market cornered on black.

CNS:   Betty White ‘Very, Very Much Favors’ Barack Obama

I think she very, very much favored George McGovern.

CNS:  Obama to Graduates: Don’t Believe the Media

Too bad we didn’t take that attitude in 2008.

ABC:  Obama: JPMorgan Is ‘One of the Best-Managed Banks’

That’s doesn’t say much for all the other banks.

Reuters:  Mexican couple admit to 27,000-round ammo cache in Texas

Feh.  That’s nothing.  The Department of Homeland Insecurity is ordering enough ammo to kill every man, woman and child in America twice.

Fun With Mother’s Day Headlines

13 05 2012

CBS Seattle:  Woman Attacked By Boyfriend’s Pet Lynx

That’s what she gets for going with a man who has a pet lynx.  He, OTOH, will now have to choose between his lynx and a “pussy” of another sort.

Twitchy:  Cher doesn’t want to breathe the same air as Romney and his ‘racist homophobic women hating tea bagger masters’

Good, this means she’ll stop breathing.  She’s been a waste of oxygen for awhile anyway.

CBS Tampa:  Orangutans At Miami Zoo Use iPads To Communicate

If your job requires you to use an iPad, be very worried.

ABC:  This Is Not a Joke: Government Issues Study of a Study About Studies

Also not a joke is how much the study about studies cost you.

Big Hollywood:  ‘Will & Grace’ Creator: Biden’s Same-Sex Declaration ‘Choreographed’

Because finding homosexuality and choreography in the same sentence is so surprising.

Fun With Tuesday Headlines

1 05 2012

Breitbart:  Adam Levine Threatens To ‘Lose My Sh*t’ If Obama Not Re-Elected

That alone is worth the price of voting for the Generic Republican, as long as I have a front row seat to the event.

AP:  Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon renew wedding vows

I didn’t even know they were married.  When was the last time either one of them did anything professionally noteworthy?

Reuters:  FL Motel Goes All-Nude to Boost Bottom Line

Problem:  The kind of people who will use this motel really need boosts in their own bottom lines.

AP:  Brennan describes how US chooses drone targets

Check with the ADL and SPLC.  I’m not kidding.

Yahoo:  Ann on Mitt Romney – ‘There’s a Wild and Crazy Man in There’

Yeah, I know.  He once went right through that stop sign like it wasn’t there.  (Yes, the #RebelRomney hashtag on Twitter has already been done)

The Blaze:  Farakhan Says Joining Army Is Fighting ‘for the Enemy’

There is a part of me which hopes that a lot of black Americans believe this.

Fun With Sunday Headlines

29 04 2012

Gizmodo:  Woman Kills Man By Squeezing His Testicles

I’ve heard of ball busters, and I’ve “had” a ball squeezer, but this is ridiculous.

The Hill:  Senators want to rid federal law of word ‘lunatic’

I don’t even have to read it:  Chucky, DiFi, Stuart Smalley, Babs, Peppermint Patty.

NYP:  Meghan McCain offended by Lindsay Lohan’s invite to White House dinner

And here I am, caught without a punchline.

Science Daily:  Geneticists Identify Genes Linked to Western African Pygmies’ Small Stature

Genes determine a distinguishing human characteristic found in a given ostentatious population.  Hmmm….

Yahoo:  Obama to single men: Look for superior genes

Obama admits there are such things as superior genes.  That’s a start.

Fun With Headlines, Midweek Edition

26 04 2012

Yeah, that’s right.  I have some headlines on a day not named Sunday.


ABC:  Michelle Obama: ‘I’m Strong, Smart and Bold’

I can think of at least three lies in that statement.

CNS:  Obama Lawyer: Arizona Law Will Result in ‘Mass Incarceration,’ Causing ‘Significant Foreign Relations Problems’

Also will result in sorrow, heartache, depression, murder, destruction, waste, despair, shame…did I forget anything?

5:  Jogging [naked] meth-head apprehended by police

And they won’t have to bother stripping him to strip search him.

Jihad Watch:  Robert Spencer: Time to stop treating Muslims like children

It would help a lot if they stopped acting like children, but who’s asking me?

AP:  NYC trial: Osama bin Laden wanted 9/11 follow-up

Change one letter in “Osama” and you’ll find out he got what he wanted.

5:  Restraining order needed against 4th-grade bully, says Kentucky woman

And what if he violates it?  Are they going to send him to jail without his dessert?

Fun With Foolz of April

1 04 2012

Daily Caller:  Alabama nightclub raises eyebrows with ‘Food Stamp Friday’ party

OTOH, it wouldn’t stay in business long if it didn’t accept food stamps.

Daily Caller:  Mark Steyn observes ‘a very unattractive descent into tribalism’ with Trayvon Martin case

Hey Mark, you spelled “attractive ascent” wrong.

HuffPo:  Justin Bieber Fans Start Twitter War With Lady Gaga Fans

LMFAO will try to negotiate a truce.

Fun With Friday Headlines

30 03 2012

CBS Detroit:  Does Malik Shabazz Still Think Detroit Residents Should ‘Burn The City Down?’

The New Black Panthers will burn down what the old Black Panthers didn’t.

Slashdot:  16-Year-Old Creates Scientific/Graphing Calculator In Minecraft

Because the world needed yet another calculator.

KCBS-2 LA:  Medical Marijuana Deliveryman Robbed By Baton-Wielding Ninjas In West Covina

“Baton-wielding ninja,” i.e. he was probably high.

C-Trib:  Dennis Rodman ‘broke,’ ‘extremely sick,’ his attorney says

So the news is that Rodman is broke.

ESPN:  Owner, GM support Vinny Del Negro

With the Sir Skittles affair raging, they had no choice but to support a negro.

KSL Salt Lake City:  Tacocopter would deliver tacos via unmanned drone

Date stamp March 28.  They’re four days too early.

My Fox DC:  TSA Manager Arrested for Running Prostitution Ring

TSA man busted for T&A.

Fun With Headlines, Hump Day Edition

21 03 2012

Thy Black Man:  Yes Black and Illiterate: We Can’t Read, But We sure Can Watch TV.

Soon to be parlayed into a book, tentatively titled, Why Can’t N’Deshawntavious Read?

WaPo:  Condoleezza Rice rejects Mitt Romney vice presidential possibility

Because it would create a conflict of interest for her:  If she’s Romney’s running mate, her vote for Obama would be a vote against her becoming Vice-President.

Billboard:  Shots Fired After Tyga Concert in Omaha

I’m guessing it’s the same genre as Celtic Woman?

Denver Post:  Bill to hold students back a grade for poor reading moves ahead

I haven’t read the article yet, but I bet it contains at least one of these four words:  Racism, disparate, discriminate, disproportionate.

Fun With Sunday Erin Go Bragh Headlines

18 03 2012

P-D:  Two hurt in horse-drawn buggy vs. Escalade crash in Pike County

What, young Amish men were looking for their weed hookup?

P-D:  Fire destroys mobile home in O’Fallon, Ill.

Usually, that’s a job for tornadoes.

CNS:  Hillary Clinton: ‘I’ve Made Women a Cornerstone of American Foreign Policy’

In contrast to Bill Clinton, who made women a cornerstone of his domestic policy.

First Coast News:  Justin Bieber Joins Anti-Bully Documentary Movement

Yeah, I know.  It’s wrong to hit girls.

Washington Examiner:  Politico editor John Harris: Voters are stupid

For the record, the official count of stupid voters is 69,456,897.

KYW-CBS-3 Philly:  City To Ban Street-Corner Feedings of Homeless

Stay legal:  Give the homeless a bottle (which is what they really want).

NPR:  Santorum: Puerto Rico Must Adopt English If It Wants Statehood

Oh, so that’s the problem:  They don’t speak English.

Fun With Sunday Headlines

11 03 2012

Free Beacon:  Obama likens himself to Mandela, Gandhi

I can hear Nelson Mandela talking to someone one day soon:  “I knew Barack Obama.  Barack Obama was a friend of mine.  And you’re no Barack Obama.”

Free Beacon:  Roc-A-Fella Republican

Convert the video to black-and-white and lower the resolution, and D.W. Griffith would recognize it.

FNC:  Japan invents speech-jamming gun that silences people mid-sentence

Imagine the ghetto applications.

HuffPo:  Garry McCarthy, Chicago Police Chief, Pledges No NYPD-Esque Spying On Muslims

That probably means the upcoming show “Good Muslim Bitches” won’t be filmed or set in Chicago.

CofCC:  New Bombshell: Obama’s nanny was a transvestite.

Whaddaya know, a tranny nanny.

Yahoo Canada:  Texas for third year warns against spring break Mexico

A Texan travelling to Mexico is redundant, when all they have to do is open a window to see Mexico.

P-D:  Transfer law would negate St. Louis schools’ progress, superintendent says

And if there’s a drought, my crabgrass won’t grow.

Fun With Saturday Headlines

3 03 2012

5:  [East St. Louis] Mayor Alvin Parks writes open letter to Senator Dick Durbin

Durbin now knows for sure that Parks won’t eat green eggs and ham.

The Hill:  Three-term Republican Sen. Olympia Snowe won’t run for reelection

The Senate Republican caucus is losing its punchline.

5:  [New Mexico] Man registers dog to vote to highlight voter fraud

That means Susana Martinez better shore up her standing with the canine vote if she expects to win re-election in 2014.

5:  Justin Bieber celebrates 18th birthday

She’s now legal.

Detroit Free Press:  Detroit trying ‘Broken Windows’ community policing

Hard to focus on broken windows where there are mostly vacant lots where houses used to be.

Politico:  Ann Romney brushes back Bill Clinton

It’s just a fact of life in our era — If you’re a married man running for President, Bill’s gonna hit on your wife.

Fun With Saturday Headlines

25 02 2012

Drudge:  Reagan’s failed assassin laments people don’t see him as artist, musician…

Sure, that’s the way to launch a successful artistic or musical career, try to assassinate a President.

FNC:  Latino Mormons speaking out against Romney over immigration issue

They’re both fuming mad.

5:  Jeremy Lin: No, I’m not dating Kim Kardashian

“I don’t want Kris Humphries’s leftovers.”

WBBM-CBS-2 Chicago:  Toddler Hurt By Falling TV In Aurora

If Chicago would have gotten the 2016 Olympics, throwing TVs out the window could have become a demonstration sport.

Daily Beast:  Bobbi Kristina Brown Found Getting High After Whitney’s Funeral?

Well, I guess the crack doesn’t fall far from the rock.

WCAU-NBC-10 Philly:  Bags of Headless Chickens Found in Cemetery

Don’t worry, it’s just that diversity that makes us so strong.

Washington Examiner:  D.C. Council chairman cracks down on #@&#%!!!

Can’t say “mutha” or “fucka” in a D.C. City Council meeting anymore.  Talk about silent nights.

FNC:  Iran court convicts Christian pastor convert to death

Opposed contraceptives, I bet.

Yahoo:  Asian American Journalists Association releases guidelines on Jeremy Lin media coverage

I guess the nickname “Gooky Gookenstein” is now out of the question.

KHOU-CBS-11 Houston:  Warren Moon’s ex-wife arrested on trail ride, charged with public lewdness

Did she moon somebody?

Daily Mail:  ITV forced to apologise after reporter at PM’s football racism summit calls black players ‘coloured’

And what are white people?  Invisible?

Newt Gingrich:  Gingrich Calls for Creation of Commission on Gold To Examine How to Get Back to Hard Money

Translation:  Newt looking to break up the Romney-Ron Paul silent agreement by wooing Ron Paul voters.

Monday Quick Headline Hits

13 02 2012

The Blaze:  Samuel L. Jackson: ‘I Voted for Barack Because He Was Black’

And here I thought all this time you voted for him for his experience.

World News:  Dollar Weakens Against Vietnam Dong

That’s the state of our world today — Weaker bucks but stronger dongs.

P-D:  Woman, boyfriend charged in her father’s shooting death in East St. Louis

They killed her father because he didn’t like the boyfriend, thereby proving his point.

Washington Examiner:  Privately, Obama sees recovery 1-2 years off

Good thing for him, right?  He and Michelle can partake of that recovery in the private sector.

Fun With Saturday Headlines

11 02 2012

My Fox LA:  Student Finds Lost Malcolm X Speech

It should have stayed lost.

Smoking Gun:  Iowa Police Seek Public’s Help In Armed Robbery Of $250 “Mega Masturbator”

They spelled “Pubic” wrong.

WJZ-CBS-13 Baltimore:  Maryland Mall Evacuated & Locked Down After Sneaker Fight

Did you know?  Not rioting when you can’t get the shoes you want is a form of racism.

KCAL-CBS-2 L.A.:  LAPD Pioneers High-Tech Crime-Fighting ‘War Room’

Yes, those cameras will be able to tell a football and frisbee from a volleyball and beach ball.

Fox News:  Tribe suing beer companies for alcohol problems

Oh, they don’t mean “that” tribe.  I was confused there for a minute.

LAT:  McDonald’s hamburgers lure naked man off downtown tower

Only to be upset when he found out that, at least for a little while, McDs still has the NSNSNS thing going.  But with McDs going 365Ghetto, NSNSNS will soon be racist and racial profiling.

Reuters:  NYC agrees ex-Marine is a man, ending 5-year battle

Seriously.  Five years to figure out what most people can discern in five seconds?

Missouri News Horizon:  St. Joseph students lobby to make the jumping jack Missouri’s state exercise

Uh, hello?  Jumping jacks are warm-ups, not exercises.

5:  NBC Reality Show ‘The One’ holds casting call in St. Louis

John and Cindy McCain’s A-B beer distributorship will sponsor an alternate reality show called ‘That One,’ with a casting call to be held in the subprime warehouse district of Phoenix.

Weekly Standard:  German Bank Offers ‘Islam-Compliant’ Investment

Shari’ah-compliant interest free loans to finance the construction, assembly and engineering of suicide bombs.

WNDU-NBC-16 South Bend, Ind.:  Burglar vacuumed home, folded laundry and cooked dinner

Burglar my apartment, please!