Fun With A Big Stack Of Headlines

Dot Org:  Famous Mao Zedong sculpter to make 28 foot “confrontational” MLK statue.

Now who would do a crazy thing such as equating Mao with MLK…

Drudge:  BIGGEST GOVERNMENT EVER: [U.S.] Treasury revenue, spending at record highs in April…

The same is true of Zimbabwe’s treasury, for much the same reason.

CNS:  Violent ‘Grand Theft’ Game Wows Players, Shocks Parent Groups

The games that shocks players and wows parent groups won’t sell.

KSDK:  Two Injured By Stray Bullets In East St. Louis

Sparks calls by ESL pols for more stray bullet control.

KSDK:  Union President Supports Unionization at Construction Careers Center Charter School

A union prez supports unionization?  No kidding!

CNS:  String of Polls Show One in Five Democrats Set to Defect to McCain

Actually, a Republican voting for McCain is more of a defection.

John Lott:   Open Gun Carrying in Virginia Restaurants

Service in VA restaurants to get a lot better all of a sudden.

NPI:  SPJ Suggests ‘Omitting Race’ in Crime Reporting

As opposed to what the MSM does now, which is to be totally honest about race and crime.

P-D:  Doctors trying texting to get tweens to take medicine

Tweens also have someone else who could do this job better — I think it starts with a “P.”

St. Cloud (Minn.) Times:  SCSU student leaves training at Technical High School

More proper headline:  Somali Muslim fanatics threaten to murder disabled student’s service dog, drive student out of school.

WND:  [18-yo] Daughter fails math test, so dad thrown in jail

Apply this logic to St. Louis and most of the northern half would be surrounded by barbed wire.

ABC:  Top This: A Gay Ceremony on ABC’s ‘Brothers & Sisters’

The same media that has everyone thinking that all handguns must be registered, the police always catch their man, and that everybody registers with a political party is now going to get people thinking that homosexual marriage exists everywhere.

AP:   NBC says Fallon to succeed O’Brien on ‘Late Night’

They need someone to replace a non-funny comedian, so they go to their current lame SNL cast.

AP:  Iowa man charged with throwing candy at police

If it would have been a doughnut, the man would have gotten an award.

Comparing Condemned Men to Horses

P-D:

CHATTANOOGA, TENN.: Justice makes a point about death penalty

Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens says the euthanized Kentucky Derby horse Eight Belles probably died more humanely than death row prisoners do.

Stevens’s comments Friday night came a month after he voted with a majority of the Supreme Court to approve the most widely used method of lethal injection, while saying for the first time that he now believes the death penalty is unconstitutional.

According to the Chattanooga Times Free Press, Stevens told an audience of judges and lawyers that he checked into the procedure used to kill Eight Belles and was surprised to learn it was against the law in Kentucky to kill animals using one of the drugs in a three-drug lethal injection cocktail that many states, including Kentucky, use to execute prisoners.

Stevens spoke at the 68th conference of the 6th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals.

It’s a good thing for John Paul Stevens that the next man on Kentucky’s death row, like probably most of the men on Kentucky’s death row, is white, because the Equality Politburo would demand his scalp if he (or they) was black or Hispanic.

Besides, what’s this business about caring how humane the execution of a condemned murderer is?  Those who died at the hands of the men on Kentucky’s death row would have been treated far more humanely by Eight Belles.

In

If he makes the Libertarian Party nomination, (which is not a given, as he is not a pure libertarian), I will probably vote for him.  In spite of his recent perfidy and ambivalence on the immigration issue, he would make a far better President than John McLame.

Fun With Channel 2’s Headlines

C-Trib:  World explodes as presidential contender [Mike Gravel] does Soulja Boy dance

But being 14th on the pop charts makes you a lot more famous than being in 14th place among Democrat Presidential contenders.

KCBS-2 L.A.:  Arrested, School On Lockdown After 600 [blacks and Hispanics] fight

It won’t be but a few days until we read a story that there isn’t really black-Hispanic tension in L.A., it’s only that some white racists are making it up to divide and conquer.

KATU-ABC-2 Portland:  Reactions mixed on children’s marijuana book

This means that some people in Portland, Oregano think that it’s okay for kids to smoke weed.

AP:  Anti-illegal immigration group wants San Diego highway sign
It will read:  “This city used to be part of America.”

AP:  Feminists sharply divided between Clinton, Obama

They, too, doubt HRC’s gender.

AP:  Microsoft appeals [€900 Million] antitrust fine

With the way the exchange rates are going, they would have done well to pay it the moment it was levied.

PC World:  Microsoft to Limit Capabilities of Cheap Laptops

Not that cheap laptops had great capabilities to begin with.

Fun With Headlines, Captain Oblivious Edition

KSDK:  Local African-Americans Want to Organize 20,000 Man March

Judging from their past head-counting acuity, they’ll call it 20,000 if 50 show up.

KSDK:  Kentucky Death Row Inmate: ‘I’m Ready and I’m Sorry’

But you’re still dying.

KSDK:  Report: Drugs, Teens, Pot Are Dangerous Mix

For those who didn’t think this was a dangerous mix, go down the hall to the third door on your left, and accept your promotion to Captain Oblivious.

CNS:  Obama Wins Endorsement of Government Employees Union

For those who were surprised by this news, go down the hall to the third door on your left, and accept your promotion to Captain Oblivious.

NPI:  La Raza Earmarked $10 Million In Latest Federal Housing Bill

Let’s start a group called “The Race” so we can get $10 million in Federal money.

Lou Dobbs:  Hire Americans First

No, that would be un-American.

Springfield News-Leader:  Photo ID could be required for voting

It could be required for voting, but is required for anything else useful.

Philadelphia Inquirer:  School challenge: Transgender student is age 9

In the old days, 9-year old boys who dressed as girls were only thought to be playing around.

LA Times:  California tax proposals target beer-loving,  pornography-watching yacht owners

I’d give up the yacht.

AP:   Data from Columbia disk drives survived the shuttle accident

NASA makes hard drives that can survive atmospheric re-entry, and Mars rovers designed for three months that last four years and counting.  Why won’t they make cars?

AP:   McCain says he voted for Bush

What’s scary is that there was doubt.

The King’s Taxes

Al, don’t put that wallet away after you hit $900.  Turns out you owe a whole lot more than that to an institution that’s a lot pickier about prompt and accurate payment.  And they’ll take a lot more than your Jag away from you if they don’t get.

Remove Four Letters

New York Daily News:

Dan Rather tweaks suit, sez CBS killed shot at big news job

It’s take two for Dan Rather in his legal fight against CBS.

The newsman - who suffered a setback last month when a judge tossed portions of his $70 million suit against the network - filed an amended suit Wednesday, blaming CBS for trashing his chances at landing a high-profile gig because he was “too hot to handle.”

Rather says potential job opportunities at CNN, NBC, Fox, A&E and other networks fell by the wayside because he came with “too much baggage.”

The last sentence is right if you remove “bagg.”

Upcoming Book

Rumors are swirling that Reed Walters, the D.A. of LaSalle Parish, Louisiana, who heroically stood up to the pressure of the civil rights industry to prosecute the Jena Six Thugs, is going to pen a book about the saga.  In spite of himself, he was inspired by the campaign and the person of Barack H. Obama to come up with a title for the book:

The Audacity of Rope

Fun With Headlines

Daily Mail:  Billions spent on CCTV have failed to cut crime and led to an ‘utter fiasco’, says Scotland Yard surveillance chief

How can you say that?  Now the authorties have proof that you committed the murder, and therefore they’ll see that you’ll get punished to the maximum extent of British law, 2 years in prison.

AP:  Oldest league bowler dies at 106

He’ll have exactly 300 pallbearers.

Keeping Up With The Joneses

Congressman Walter Jones (R-N.C.), who initially supported the invasion and occupation of Iraq, and now criticizes it, won his party primary on Tuesday, in spite of the fact that (1) He had neo-con challengers, and (2) his district has a lot of military bases.  Or maybe it was because of those two things.

Fun With Headlines

Drudge:  In-body wi-fi will call 911 if you have heartattack…

What if you’re not in a hotspot?  Then you’re dead.

AP:  Gates says big changes in store for Internet in next decade

Last decade, Gates didn’t hear of the internet.

CNS:  Democrats Plan to Break Their Deficit Discipline Promise Again

So, Democrats like to spend?  Not news.

Reuters:   Study shows breast-fed children are smarter

And more conversant about cleavage.

AP:   Scientists: Warming may greatest threat to tropical species

So, warmth is supposed to hurt plants that are already used to warm.

World Records

AP:

Ill. man seeks to reclaim continuous exercise record

NAPERVILLE, Ill. - Until last summer, 50-year-old George Hood of Aurora held the world record for continuous exercise by a human being — 111 hours, 11 minutes and 11 seconds on a stationary bicycle.

Then his record was broken by another cyclist from Tasmania.

Now Hood wants to be the record-holder again by cycling on a spin bike for more than 132 hours straight, and raising $50,000 for the YMCA’s Spin for Kids event.

If he is successful, this means that he will have been approached by a gym clerk exactly 264 times telling him that he’s been on the bike too long and other people want to use it. Which would also be a world record.

Extricated From The Stew He Was About To Become

“He,” in this case, was one Jason Hammond of Jacksonville, Fla., who tried to break into a restaurant through its ventilation system.  If he would have been successful, he would have landed into a pool of hot oil.  As it was, the steam from the frying oil hit his exposed leg, which was painful enough that he screamed.

A similar thing happened in St. Louis in March 2006.

One More Myth

Michael Robertson, CEO of Linspire, has a blog post today where he details the five biggest myths of the education-industrial complex.  It’s worth the time, though I could add a sixth:  “You will necessarily get a job commensurate with your education if you’re white.”

Fun With Headlines

Drudge:  [Warren] Buffett Says Worst of Crisis Over for Wall Street, Individuals May Suffer…

The worst is over.  Now it’s only the regular schmuck suffering.  I’m so relieved.

CNS:  Clinton Library Won’t Release Berger Documents

But Sandy Berger has already shown that he can extract documents from places with far stricter security than the Clinton Massage Parlor.

KSDK:  Clay Aiken: ‘I’m Not Trying to be Justin Timberlake’

I’m not trying to be Justin Timberlake either.  Where’s my KSDK story?

P-D:  Arsonist may be to blame for series of fires

Really, an arsonist is behind fires?  I always look for an embezzler when there are fires.

Chuck Norris in WND:  Thomas Jefferson’s financial advice

Yet, Chuck Norris passed on Jeffersonite Ron Paul for Mike Huckabee.

AP:  Study: Restaurant tobacco bans influence teen smoking

They also influence adult smoking.

Reuters:  Los Angeles man wins right to use wife’s last name

I’ve heard of hen pecked, but this is ridiculous.

Politico:  Clinton: OPEC ‘can no longer be a cartel’

I’m sure Saudi oil barons are scared of someone they would put in a burqua.

Politico:  Hispanics may put Fla. in play for Dems

Hispanics vote Dem?  Don’t anyone tell McCain, RNC, Stupid Party, WSJ, or they might pout.

AFP:  Microsoft can do it without Yahoo: Ballmer

Really?  Then why did you want to spend $44bn to do “it” with Yahoo, whatever “it” is?

The Fall of the Rest

Newsweek:

Look around. The world’s tallest building is in Taipei, and will soon be in Dubai. Its largest publicly traded company is in Beijing. Its biggest refinery is being constructed in India. Its largest passenger airplane is built in Europe. The largest investment fund on the planet is in Abu Dhabi; the biggest movie industry is Bollywood, not Hollywood. Once quintessentially American icons have been usurped by the natives. The largest Ferris wheel is in Singapore. The largest casino is in Macao, which overtook Las Vegas in gambling revenues last year. America no longer dominates even its favorite sport, shopping. The Mall of America in Minnesota once boasted that it was the largest shopping mall in the world. Today it wouldn’t make the top ten. In the most recent rankings, only two of the world’s ten richest people are American. These lists are arbitrary and a bit silly, but consider that only ten years ago, the United States would have serenely topped almost every one of these categories.

Yeah, so? I don’t judge a civilization based on its landmarks, its gargantuan monuments, its Ferris wheels and the size of its shopping malls.  I judge it by the standard of living of its typical everyday people, and even considering the recent declining trend thereof in America, it’s still far better than most of the rest of the world.  After all, the world’s tallest building might be in Dubai, but would you rather take a chance being the average citizen of the UAE, or the average American? Would you want to live in Macao, China rather than Las Vegas simply because its casinos are bigger?

As far as Bollywood, yes, there might be a bigger movie industry in India, but are you going to pay $9 to watch two hours worth of Bollywood or Hollywood? Bollywood is great at mass producing flicks with simple plotlines that are favored by denizens of the third world with their simple mentalities, but not movies with a complicated storyline, multiple storylines, and dialogue emblematic of an advanced vocabulary.

Fly the Friendly Third World Skies

When you’re flying, your life and safety depends on every working part of the airliner working correctly.  Actually, it also depends on the affirmative action TSA screeners not screwing up and letting someone with bad intentions on an airplane with a makeshift weapon while they’re busy patting down your great-grandmother.  Notwithstanding that, let me deprive you of some peaceful sleep tonight to let you know that U.S. Airways and JetBlue outsource their heavy repair and maintenance work to El Salvador.

Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO) wants to add amendments to various Federal bills to tighten regulation of non-American repair centers, but she would do better to have American airlines do maintenance in America.

Fun With Headlines

P-D:  ‘The world is sending us their junk’

But we keep taking it.

P-D:  Country Star Gretchen Wilson, At 34, Finishes High School

That works out to about one credit per year.

WND:  Dirty trick?: Video has top Hillary adviser calling Hoosiers ’sh–’

If he’s referring to Indiana, it’s definitely an insult.  But if he’s referring to certain St. Louisans using the St. Louis definition, then it’s not far from the truth.

Somebody Told Him

President Bush spoke about the economy at the Maryland Heights headquarters of World Wide Technolgies on Friday.

Supposedly, WWT is the largest black-owned company in America.  Strangely, I’ve never heard of it, and neither have most St. Louisans.  Way to go, President Bush and MSM — trying to pump up the accomplishments of black businessmen, and most people in its home city are scratching their heads.  Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if WWT got a lot of business from government contracts.

The President took the time to come to St. Louis just to visit a black company.  I suppose he hasn’t figured out yet that neither he nor any other Republican, even the liberal ones, has virtually no black support.  Why pander to the people that don’t want you?

The President also took the opportunity of his speech to tell us that he knows about the rising price of food and gas.  Really, he does?  This means somebody must have told him.  Because he wouldn’t know on his own accord, as he has never had to worry about having to pay a bill in his life.  But he has a solution to the rising price of food — export more American food to hungry people in Africa.  Good going, slappy.  Reduce the supply here (and increase the demand with his virtual open borders policy), to make food even more expensive.  I hope that wasn’t the idea of the same person who told him that the cost of food and gas was going up.  I mean, one can excuse President Bush for being oblivious.

The President also pumped up the rebate checks, which are beginning to trickle in.  What the President hasn’t told us, and the media hasn’t explained, is that many people won’t get the amount they think they’re going to get.  For instance, an individual will only get $300 instead of the promised $600 if their previous tax return’s total tax liability wasn’t high enough.  Yes, you might get $300 per dependant child, but not if he or she is 16 or older.

A lot of heads are going to roll when people figure out that their tax rebate isn’t what they thought they were promised.

He Was For Gangs, Before He Was Against Them

He is “BJ Steve,” a south central Los Angeles gang-banger, who is now serving multiple life sentences for numerous convictions of rape and armed robbery.  She is Janice Hahn, sister of former mayor James Hahn, and a city council member in her own right.  Turns out that she was giving city gang intervention grants to him, while he was gang-banging.  Also simultaneously she bailed him out of jail for other arrests not relating to his serious crimes, so she has no plausible deniability.  Ironically, he as a misogynistic tattoo.

Somehow, this does not surprise me.  The gang intervention - industrial complex relies on the irrational fear of gangs, and relies on people blaming gangs for every hung toenail, so why wouldn’t it fund gang-bangers?  It’s called the Hegelian Dialect.

NYC Tows Sharpton’s Jag

And won’t give it back until Big Al ponies up the $900 in arrears he is in with the city on traffic and parking tickets.  This means this poor, put-down discrimination victim not only has a Jaguar, but thought he could blow off tickets of an aggregate amount that is more than many people make in a week.

Now let’s wait and see how long before he starts whining about Michael Bloomberg and yelling “No Justice No Peace.”

Fun With Temperate Headlines

AOL: How I Helped Move a Factory to Mexico

This article is on AOL’s job search portal.

CNS: Wright Is A Fair Election Issue, Say GOP Senators

All GOP Senators save a certain one.

CNS: Hillary Clinton Won’t Crack Down on Sanctuary Cities

Okay, let’s have a right-wing town nullify Federal gun laws while she’s President.

P-D: Gas prices slip for first time in weeks, may be near top

And they might slide to a more manageable $3 a gallon.

AP: ‘American Idol’ top boss: Paula Abdul isn’t going anywhere

Of course not, she’s too high to drive safely.

Jo Mannies: No Trades! LaRussa to greet Bush

“No, George. I won’t trade our win total for your approval number.”

WND: Uh-oh, here we go again: Meet Obama’s new pastor - Otis Moss compares Wright to Jesus, backs up predecessor on AIDS, drugs

If Wright is Jesus, does this mean Obama is Judas?

KSDK: Former [Fairmont Park] Jockey Sentenced for Meth Distribution

So, the jockeys are on meth while the horses get the blue pills.

Red Herring: Climax Near for Microsoft, Yahoo?

“Steve Ballmer” and “climax” in the same breath? I just gave up dinner.

Daily Mail: ‘We’re fed up with the cold weather and the NHS,’ say asylum seekers trying to break OUT of Britain

Well, they broke into an island, so they could just as easily break out.

AP: Lindsay Lohan mugshot used in liquor industry ad

The mugshot next to be used by the Temperance Society.

Politico: O, No: Winfrey a no-show [for Obama]

David Blaine is still holding his breath, so she’s busy.

Reuters: Walmart.com using Wii Fit to boost Mom’s Day sales

It’s a hoax. No real mother has enough time to doodle with video games.

Boris Baby

Red Ken ousted, Boris Yeltsin Johnson will be the new Mayor of London.  This marks the second time within a week that the left has lost control of cities that are European capitals.

The BNP made significant gains in the London region, and even more start gains in other parts of England.

NPI Gets Some Love from PJB

The National Policy Institute, the Augusta, Georgia-based think tank that this writer previously remarked could well be the right’s answer to the Southern Poverty Law Center (the NPI actually uses this as a pull quote on its own website), gets a positive citation from the phenomenon known as Patrick J. Buchanan in his column dated today.  In it, he also quotes native St. Louisan T.S. Eliot several times.

Fun With Tats

Drudge:   Volvo sets a target to eliminate death and injury in its vehicles by 2020…

At this rate, by 2020, gas will be so expensive that nobody will be able to afford to drive anyway.

AllAfrica News:  Africa: The West Has Warped Immigration Laws - Hanson

You know we’re screwed up if Africa’s calling us warped.

My Eyewitness News Memphis:  Memphis [Middle School] Principal Accused of Outing Gay Students

I don’t know what’s scarier, the principal’s perfidy, or the fact that there are 12-year old homosexuals to out.

CNN:  Paul No. 1 on Amazon.com

Unlike Dennis Kucinich, who is in 544,018th place, slightly behind How to Win Friends and Influence People

National Review:  Re: Genetic Racial Differences

Jeremiah Wright believes in ‘em.

KSDK:  Dennis Rodman Arrested for Alleged Domestic Violence

With all his tattoos, the APB for his capture was the longest in the history of law enforcement.

Reuters:  Obama fights perception he is elitist

As the trite saying goes, perception is reality.

AP:  Baby birds babble just like human babies learning to talk

Human adults devolve to bird-like babbling.

HTML, R.I.P.

ZDNet:

Mozilla warns of Flash and Silverlight ‘agenda’

Companies building websites should beware of proprietary rich-media technologies like Adobe’s Flash and Microsoft’s Silverlight, the founder of Mozilla Europe has warned.

Speaking at the Internet World conference in London on Tuesday, Tristan Nitot claimed such applications threaten the open nature of the internet because the companies behind them could “have an agenda”. While he conceded that Flash was currently necessary for consistently displaying content such as video, he suggested that the upcoming revision of the HTML specification would make it unnecessary to use proprietary technology.

(snip)

Nitot was speaking on the subject of “the dangers of the proprietary web”. He described the nature of the web at the moment as open, but suggested that “proprietary solutions running on top of the web are trying to take over”. Referring specifically to Flash and Silverlight, he said that “people depend on the vendor to provide them with the runtime [browser plug-in that runs the code].”

Yeah, I’ve been wondering the same thing. More and more websites are becoming totally Flash, and I suppose HTML is dead because all that it seems to be needed for is a placeholder between CSS positioning commands for the Flash animations and the animations themselves.

Businessman

So he wanted to go into the music business.  Maybe his first business lesson should have been that no single human being that we’ve heard of has $360 billion in liquid assets, much less any human being we haven’t heard of.  Heck, no human being is worth $360 billion overall.  Not only does not one single branch of a bank has $360 billion in cash, I don’t think there’s US$360 billion of total cash in circulation in the country and world (not that the world wants our worthless money anymore).

UPDATE 5/2:

A few of the funnier responses I have received over this story:

“I walked into a bank today and tried to cash a $360 billion check.  It was from Zimbabwe, so I walked out the bank 14 cents richer.”

“What was his bail?  $400 billion?”

“He wanted to be able to fill up his gas tank and buy enough bread for a week.”

Child’s Play

KSDK:

(NBC) — In an effort to battle childhood obesity and make exercise a habit for life, one Maryland school has come up with an early morning boot camp of sorts to get kids moving before classes even start.

At Scotts Branch Elementary School in Randalstown, physical education teacher Patrice Walker is like a military drill sergeant.

The difference is these students are volunteers in her workout army.

Walker created the aerobic conditioning club in February.

It’s a before school program that keeps students moving with an intense thirty minute workout.

“Six muscle and fitness stations, jump rope, jumping jacks, crunches, sit-ups, agility ladders, and agility programs,” said Walker. “Statistical information shows that kids are active in the morning and get the blood pumping to their hearts and their brain, they’re more awake and more able to learn.”.

Physical activity among elementary school students before the day of formal instruction. Hmm, I think there used to be something like that. Oh yeah. They called it RECESS. But they got rid of it because of lawsuits and fear of active boys. And they wonder why there’s a lot of obesity.

Animal Abuse

They’re giving him VIAGRA?  Did his handlers ask the vet if the drug was right for him?  Was he checked for high blood pressure and other heart problems before he got the prescription?  Assuming it would have worked (the article tells us that it didn’t), was someone prepared to to watch him in action and call the emergency vets if he kept it up for more than four hours?

Fun With Headlines

Daily Mail:  Barclays provides personal banking services to members of Mugabe’s regime in Zimbabwe, MP claims

Billboard at the entrances to Zimbabwe from any of its neighbors:  “Financing Provided By Barclay’s”

AP:  [Human] Rights group: Zimbabwe’s army unleashing ‘terror’

Did this same “Human Rights group” demand Ian Smith’s head in the 1970s?

McPaper:  U.S. population seen tripling to 1 billion in century

Headline a century from now:  Mexico’s (formerly U.S.) population reaches 1 billion

Stein Report:  Guatemalan President Lobbies for Amnesty During Bush Visit

Why?  What did he do wrong?

WND:  ‘Free’ credit report scam

F-E-D-E-R-A-L prison sentence comes soon baby.

AP:   Obama looks to put controversial pastor behind him

And always, in his nightmares, will be that car with Illinois tags “GDAMERICA” in front of him.

AP:   Albert Hofmann, father of drug LSD, dies in Switzerland

Of what, an OD?

AFP:   WWW inventor says [15-year old] web only in infancy

Many 15-year old human beings also act like infants.

Reuters:   Michigan governor has emergency bowel surgery

Jen Granholm will no longer be full of, you know.

AP:   Book about Eliot Spitzer to be published by Penguin

The book about Eliot Spitzer that people want to read would be published by Playboy.

AP:   Prom invite is written on lacrosse players’ bare bottoms

The combination of lacrosse players and nudity didn’t end well the last time.

McPaper:  ‘CSI’ sleuths out Microsoft’s latest technology

Coming soon to CBS:  CSI Redmond, where the first case will be to figure out which employee insulted Bill.